"I don't believe in consent. ...I swear that was just an intrusive thought that came out. There must be something in the coffee"Ember Amane

Pochi Calls Out Idol Corp

Hff201

Pippa Fan, Failed Normalfriend
Early Adopter
Joined:  Sep 13, 2022
So how long until she has another melty and shuts it down again?

trying to monetize human interaction.
I don't exactly have a moral opposition to this (even if I think selling fleshposts pisses on the spirit of vtubing), but I don't think it's smart. Those VRChat groups sound like a groomer's paradise.
 

Clown Penis

To Be Continued
Early Adopter
Joined:  Sep 13, 2022
So how long until she has another melty and shuts it down again?


I don't exactly have a moral opposition to this (even if I think selling fleshposts pisses on the spirit of vtubing), but I don't think it's smart. Those VRChat groups sound like a groomer's paradise.
Can one of her 14(?) simpwhales inform us when she menstruates next?
 

21st Century Pipkin Man

rabbit's foot, vomit drawer
Joined:  Jan 18, 2023
Last edited:

I Wanna Die

Don't do drugs, blow all your money on vtubers
Joined:  Nov 15, 2023

Sky Shouter

Stupid by birth, manhera by the grace of God
Joined:  Sep 15, 2022
Not-Pochi posted a clip summarizing her return stream on her twitter

Two things I notice: her model looks an awful like her last Pochi model, and two, her rigging is Nijisanji-grade; literally just looks like
iu


  • "2024 I was just coping...with everything"
  • She was diagnosed with ADHD and is only now getting medicated for it
We'll see if she actually sticks around this time, which is looking mighty unlikely
 

God's Strongest Dragoon

Well-known member
Joined:  Mar 20, 2023
Not-Pochi posted a clip summarizing her return stream on her twitter

Two things I notice: her model looks an awful like her last Pochi model, and two, her rigging is Nijisanji-grade; literally just looks like
iu


  • "2024 I was just coping...with everything"
  • She was diagnosed with ADHD and is only now getting medicated for it
We'll see if she actually sticks around this time, which is looking mighty unlikely

>giant tail
Proctor will now guntguard for her
 

agility_

We have some serious streams to discuss 🔨
Early Adopter
Joined:  Sep 14, 2022
Two things I notice: her model looks an awful like her last Pochi model, and two, her rigging is Nijisanji-grade; literally just looks like
iu

Not true, Nijisanji 1.0s (and ahem, a few 2.0s) had even fewer points to emote.
 

Cubanodun

Rrat Dissolver
Joined:  Jul 22, 2023

I Wanna Die

Don't do drugs, blow all your money on vtubers
Joined:  Nov 15, 2023
Not-Pochi posted a clip summarizing her return stream on her twitter

Two things I notice: her model looks an awful like her last Pochi model, and two, her rigging is Nijisanji-grade; literally just looks like
iu


  • "2024 I was just coping...with everything"
  • She was diagnosed with ADHD and is only now getting medicated for it
We'll see if she actually sticks around this time, which is looking mighty unlikely

pochi donothon.png
 

Hff201

Pippa Fan, Failed Normalfriend
Early Adopter
Joined:  Sep 13, 2022
Holy fuck woman, paragraphs are a thing y'know.


Archive

can i be raw for a sec? honestly i've been feeling so lost since that thing. i know i haven't made the best choices under pressure. never have. didn't handle it in the best way, i just did what i thought was right to protect myself and leave that shit hole. i really felt stuck, trapped. like i was surrounded by barbed wire from every direction, with an intimidating presence looming over me, forcing me to keep quiet. damned if i do, damned if i don't. i was so distressed, knowing people were talking about me. looking at me. taking jabs at me, sometimes i still take the blame, even if i have nothing to do with it. even if i had every right to be upset by how things were handled, and to try to stand up for myself when no help or clarifications were offered. leaving me scrambling with the aftermath. i was truly all alone. abandoned, discarded. i tell myself that i ruined everything, made a fool out of myself, and everyone hates me. look at her, she doesn't know what she's doing. doesn't know what she wants. she's writing a wall of text on twitter. she's quitting, she's staying. videos are made. posts are made. more gossip, more bullshit. please do me a favor, and don't. the expectations are heavy. i'm supposed to have it together, but i really don't. i deal with everything by pushing everyone away, keeping it all inside. to this damn day. everything feels like it finally came crumbling down the past few months and i feel sick. my real feelings have come out even when i tried distracting myself, building something new for myself, and experimenting with new things, albeit messily. some life changes have been affecting me pretty badly as well. as much as i've tried staying positive, going about my day making my silly posts and moving on... i just can't help but remember how good people were put in a bad situation. pitted against each other. things escalated because of misunderstandings. i've lost friends. opportunities. maybe it was just an illusion all along, anyhow. to make money in the machine. i will never, ever forgive that person. not only for making me experience something so overwhelming that it leaves me dizzy and shaking whenever i think too hard about it, but bringing hurt and suffering to others as well. wasted, crushed dreams. seriously, fuck you. you liar. i thought it could finally do something amazing. you ran away like a coward instead. it's bitter. it's complicated. some people are still hurting. i want to stream and do side projects... i still have fun doing it... but it's hard. i don't want to be associated with all these bad things. all this pain, guilt, and grief. content creation, and sharing a space with so many people watching your every move, capturing and distorting your likeness in time even if people and situations change... it's not easy... i can't imagine how some people out there are feeling, experiencing something similar because of shitty practices by inexperienced or predatory companies... this has to stop. it is so unfair and damaging. i want to keep going, i know i can change it and make it better, maybe over time, but it won't disappear. i feel like i've lost so much of myself. every step i take is heavy, and feels heavier. things i used to look forward to don't excite me anymore. i've been taking some time off, seen people to get help. i'm still trying to be active... pushing the pon, goofy persona aside for a moment... this sphere, even if big and growing, is still relatively new, and i wonder if i'll ever find a place for myself where i can be genuinely accepted. can i belong somewhere? should i belong somewhere? over five years of witnessing everything move in front of my eyes. the good. the bad. it's tiresome. i've always wanted to do more. meet people. real people. connect together. create cool things. make others smile even when i'm not smiling myself. i've already thought about just ignoring everything and stop caring, that's what most people do. they pretend they don't see, i can't blame them... but i can't do the same. it's been so, so tough for me lately and i don't know what to do. i'm glad i'm still around, even if i'm not sure for how long. in the big scheme of things, i'm just another speck in the sand. i could really use a hug without letting go. a whole months' worth of a hug. i'll be on and off. i'm sorry.
 

thhrang

Punished Autism Extraordinaire
Early Adopter
Ward Security
♥Realticule's Husbando♥
Joined:  Sep 13, 2022
can i be raw for a sec? honestly i've been feeling so lost since that thing. i know i haven't made the best choices under pressure. never have. didn't handle it in the best way, i just did what i thought was right to protect myself and leave that shit hole. i really felt stuck, trapped. like i was surrounded by barbed wire from every direction, with an intimidating presence looming over me, forcing me to keep quiet. damned if i do, damned if i don't. i was so distressed, knowing people were talking about me. looking at me. taking jabs at me, sometimes i still take the blame, even if i have nothing to do with it. even if i had every right to be upset by how things were handled, and to try to stand up for myself when no help or clarifications were offered. leaving me scrambling with the aftermath. i was truly all alone. abandoned, discarded. i tell myself that i ruined everything, made a fool out of myself, and everyone hates me. look at her, she doesn't know what she's doing. doesn't know what she wants. she's writing a wall of text on twitter. she's quitting, she's staying. videos are made. posts are made. more gossip, more bullshit. please do me a favor, and don't. the expectations are heavy. i'm supposed to have it together, but i really don't. i deal with everything by pushing everyone away, keeping it all inside. to this damn day. everything feels like it finally came crumbling down the past few months and i feel sick. my real feelings have come out even when i tried distracting myself, building something new for myself, and experimenting with new things, albeit messily. some life changes have been affecting me pretty badly as well. as much as i've tried staying positive, going about my day making my silly posts and moving on... i just can't help but remember how good people were put in a bad situation. pitted against each other. things escalated because of misunderstandings. i've lost friends. opportunities. maybe it was just an illusion all along, anyhow. to make money in the machine. i will never, ever forgive that person. not only for making me experience something so overwhelming that it leaves me dizzy and shaking whenever i think too hard about it, but bringing hurt and suffering to others as well. wasted, crushed dreams. seriously, fuck you. you liar. i thought it could finally do something amazing. you ran away like a coward instead. it's bitter. it's complicated. some people are still hurting. i want to stream and do side projects... i still have fun doing it... but it's hard. i don't want to be associated with all these bad things. all this pain, guilt, and grief. content creation, and sharing a space with so many people watching your every move, capturing and distorting your likeness in time even if people and situations change... it's not easy... i can't imagine how some people out there are feeling, experiencing something similar because of shitty practices by inexperienced or predatory companies... this has to stop. it is so unfair and damaging. i want to keep going, i know i can change it and make it better, maybe over time, but it won't disappear. i feel like i've lost so much of myself. every step i take is heavy, and feels heavier. things i used to look forward to don't excite me anymore. i've been taking some time off, seen people to get help. i'm still trying to be active... pushing the pon, goofy persona aside for a moment... this sphere, even if big and growing, is still relatively new, and i wonder if i'll ever find a place for myself where i can be genuinely accepted. can i belong somewhere? should i belong somewhere? over five years of witnessing everything move in front of my eyes. the good. the bad. it's tiresome. i've always wanted to do more. meet people. real people. connect together. create cool things. make others smile even when i'm not smiling myself. i've already thought about just ignoring everything and stop caring, that's what most people do. they pretend they don't see, i can't blame them... but i can't do the same. it's been so, so tough for me lately and i don't know what to do. i'm glad i'm still around, even if i'm not sure for how long. in the big scheme of things, i'm just another speck in the sand. i could really use a hug without letting go. a whole months' worth of a hug. i'll be on and off. i'm sorry.
1740019884831.png
 

Abomination

The abominable amalgamation known as "chyaaat!"
Joined:  Apr 1, 2023

agility_

We have some serious streams to discuss 🔨
Early Adopter
Joined:  Sep 14, 2022
Pochi Wanmaru said:
For twelve years, you have been asking: Who is John Galt? This is John Galt
speaking. I am the man who loves his life. I am the man who does not sacrifice his
love or his values. I am the man who has deprived you of victims and thus has
destroyed your world, and if you wish to know why you are perishing—you who
dread knowledge—I am the man who will now tell you.
You have heard it said that this is an age of moral crisis. You have said it yourself,
half in fear, half in hope that the words had no meaning. You have cried that man's
sins are destroying the world and you have cursed human nature for its unwillingness
to practice the virtues you demanded. Since virtue, to you, consists of sacrifice, you
have demanded more sacrifices at every successive disaster.
In the name of a return to morality, you have sacrificed all those evils, which you
held as the cause of your plight. You have sacrificed justice to mercy. You have
sacrificed independence to unity. You have sacrificed reason to faith. You have
sacrificed wealth to need. You have sacrificed self-esteem to self-denial. You have
sacrificed happiness to duty.
You have destroyed all that which you held to be evil and achieved all that which you
held to be good. Why, then, do you shrink in horror from the sight of the world
around you? That world is not the product of your sins; it is the product and the
image of your virtues. It is your moral ideal brought into reality in its full and final
perfection.
You have fought for it, you have dreamed of it, and you have wished it, and I—I am
the man who has granted you your wish.
Your ideal had an implacable enemy, which your code of morality was designed to
destroy. I have withdrawn that enemy. I have taken it out of your way and out of
your reach. I have removed the source of all those evils you were sacrificing one by
one. I have ended your battle. I have stopped your motor. I have deprived your
world of man's mind.
Men do not live by the mind, you say? I have withdrawn those who do. The mind is
impotent, you say? I have withdrawn those whose mind isn't. There are values higher
than the mind, you say? I have withdrawn those for whom there aren't.
2
While you were dragging to your sacrificial altars the men of justice, of
independence, of reason, of wealth, of self-esteem—I beat you to it, I reached them
first. I told them the nature of the game you were playing and the nature of that
moral code of yours, which they had been too innocently generous to grasp. I
showed them the way to live by another morality-mine. It is mine that they chose to
follow.
All the men who have vanished, the men you hated, yet dreaded to lose, it is I who
have taken them away from you. Do not attempt to find us. We do not choose to be
found. Do not cry that it is our duty to serve you. We do not recognize such duty.
Do not cry that you need us. We do not consider need a claim. Do not cry that you
own us. You don't. Do not beg us to return. We are on strike, we, the men of the
mind.
We are on strike against self-immolation. We are on strike against the creed of
unearned rewards and unrewarded duties. We are on strike against the dogma that
the pursuit of one's happiness is evil. We are on strike against the doctrine that life is
guilt.
There is a difference between our strike and all those you've practiced for centuries:
our strike consists, not of making demands, but of granting them. We are evil,
according to your morality. We have chosen not to harm you any longer. We are
useless, according to your economics. We have chosen not to exploit you any longer.
We are dangerous and to be shackled, according to your politics. We have chosen
not to endanger you, nor to wear the shackles any longer. We are only an illusion,
according to your philosophy. We have chosen not to blind you any longer and have
left you free to face reality—the reality you wanted, the world as you see it now, a
world without mind.
We have granted you everything you demanded of us, we who had always been the
givers, but have only now understood it. We have no demands to present to you, no
terms of bargain about, no compromise to reach. You have nothing to offer us. We
do not need you.
Are you now crying: No, this was not what you wanted? A mindless world of ruins
was not your goal? You did not want us to leave you? You moral cannibals, I know
that you've always known what it was that you wanted. But your game is up, because
now we know it, too.
Through centuries of scourges and disasters, brought about by your code of
morality, you have cried that your code had been broken, that the scourges were
punishment for breaking it, that men were too weak and too selfish to spill all the
blood it required. You damned man, you damned existence, you damned this earth,
but never dared to question your code.
Your victims took the blame and struggled on, with your curses as reward for their
martyrdom-while you went on crying that your code was noble, but human nature
was not good enough to practice it. And no one rose to ask the question: Good? -by
what standard?
You wanted to know John Galt's identity. I am the man who has asked that question.
3
Yes, this is an age of moral crisis. Yes, you are bearing punishment for your evil. But
it is not man who is now on trial and it is not human nature that will take the blame.
It is your moral code that's through, this time. Your moral code has reached its
climax, the blind alley at the end of its course. And if you wish to go on living, what
you now need is not to return to morality—you who have never known any—but to
discover it.
You have heard no concepts of morality but the mystical or the social. You have
been taught that morality is a code of behavior imposed on you by whim, the whim
of a supernatural power or the whim of society, to serve God's purpose or your
neighbor's welfare, to please an authority beyond the grave or else next door—but
not to serve your life or pleasure.
Your pleasure, you have been taught, is to be found in immorality, your interests
would best be served by evil, and any moral code must be designed not for you, but
against you, not to further your life, but to drain it.
For centuries, the battle of morality was fought between those who claimed that your
life belongs to God and those who claimed that it belongs to your neighbors—
between those who preached that the good is self-sacrifice for the sake of ghosts in
heaven and those who preached that the good is self-sacrifice for the sake of
incompetents on earth. And no one came to say that your life belongs to you and
that the good is to live it.
Both sides agreed that morality demands the surrender of your self-interest and of
your mind, that the moral and the practical are opposites, that morality is not the
province of reason, but the province of faith and force. Both sides agreed that no
rational morality is possible, that there is no right or wrong in reason—that in reason
there's no reason to be moral.
Whatever else they fought about, it was against man's mind that all your moralists
have stood united. It was man's mind that all their schemes and systems were
intended to despoil and destroy. Now choose to perish or to learn that the anti-mind
is the anti-life.
Man's mind is his basic tool of survival. Life is given to him, survival is not. His body
is given to him, its sustenance is not. His mind is given to him, its content is not. To
remain alive, he must act, and before he can act he must know the nature and
purpose of his action. He cannot obtain his food without a knowledge of food and
of the way to obtain it. He cannot dig a ditch—or build a cyclotron—without a
knowledge of his aim and of the means to achieve it. To remain alive, he must think.
But to think is an act of choice. The key to what you so recklessly call "human
nature", the open secret you live with, yet dread to name, is the fact that man is a
being of volitional consciousness. Reason does not work automatically; thinking is
not a mechanical process; the connections of logic are not made by instinct. The
function of your stomach, lungs or heart is automatic; the function of your mind is
not. In any hour and issue of your life, you are free to think or to evade that effort.
But you are not free to escape from your nature, from the fact that reason is your
4
means of survival-so that for you, who are a human being, the question "to be or not
to be" is the question "to think or not to think."
[ ... ]
In the name of the best within you, do not sacrifice this world to those who are its
worst. In the name of the values that keep you alive, do not let your vision of man be
distorted by the ugly, the cowardly, the mindless in those who have never achieved
his title.
Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an
intransigent mind and a step that travels unlimited roads. Do not let your fire go out,
spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-
quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all.
Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved,
but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours.
But to win it requires your total dedication and a total break with the world of your
past, with the doctrine that man is a sacrificial animal who exists for the pleasure of
others. Fight for the value of your person. Fight for the virtue of your pride. Fight
for the essence of that which is man: for his sovereign rational mind. Fight with the
radiant certainty and the absolute rectitude of knowing that yours is the Morality of
Life and that yours is the battle for any achievement, any value, any grandeur, any
goodness, any joy that has ever existed on this earth.
You will win when you are ready to pronounce the oath I have taken at the start of
my battle—and for those who wish to know the day of my return, I shall now repeat
it to the hearing of the world:
"I swear—by my life and my love of it—that I will never live for the sake of another
man, nor ask another man to live for mine
.

:beataniugh:
You know what I like doing whenever I feel down like this?

Donothon!!!!
 

Brosnan Pierce Brosnan

God's Strongest Smartass
Dizzy's Husband
Joined:  Apr 4, 2023

shipmate_F

menhera addicted sister
Pipproject Producer
Joined:  Jun 21, 2023
Holy fuck woman, paragraphs are a thing y'know.


Archive

can i be raw for a sec? honestly i've been feeling so lost since that thing. i know i haven't made the best choices under pressure. never have. didn't handle it in the best way, i just did what i thought was right to protect myself and leave that shit hole. i really felt stuck, trapped. like i was surrounded by barbed wire from every direction, with an intimidating presence looming over me, forcing me to keep quiet. damned if i do, damned if i don't. i was so distressed, knowing people were talking about me. looking at me. taking jabs at me, sometimes i still take the blame, even if i have nothing to do with it. even if i had every right to be upset by how things were handled, and to try to stand up for myself when no help or clarifications were offered. leaving me scrambling with the aftermath. i was truly all alone. abandoned, discarded. i tell myself that i ruined everything, made a fool out of myself, and everyone hates me. look at her, she doesn't know what she's doing. doesn't know what she wants. she's writing a wall of text on twitter. she's quitting, she's staying. videos are made. posts are made. more gossip, more bullshit. please do me a favor, and don't. the expectations are heavy. i'm supposed to have it together, but i really don't. i deal with everything by pushing everyone away, keeping it all inside. to this damn day. everything feels like it finally came crumbling down the past few months and i feel sick. my real feelings have come out even when i tried distracting myself, building something new for myself, and experimenting with new things, albeit messily. some life changes have been affecting me pretty badly as well. as much as i've tried staying positive, going about my day making my silly posts and moving on... i just can't help but remember how good people were put in a bad situation. pitted against each other. things escalated because of misunderstandings. i've lost friends. opportunities. maybe it was just an illusion all along, anyhow. to make money in the machine. i will never, ever forgive that person. not only for making me experience something so overwhelming that it leaves me dizzy and shaking whenever i think too hard about it, but bringing hurt and suffering to others as well. wasted, crushed dreams. seriously, fuck you. you liar. i thought it could finally do something amazing. you ran away like a coward instead. it's bitter. it's complicated. some people are still hurting. i want to stream and do side projects... i still have fun doing it... but it's hard. i don't want to be associated with all these bad things. all this pain, guilt, and grief. content creation, and sharing a space with so many people watching your every move, capturing and distorting your likeness in time even if people and situations change... it's not easy... i can't imagine how some people out there are feeling, experiencing something similar because of shitty practices by inexperienced or predatory companies... this has to stop. it is so unfair and damaging. i want to keep going, i know i can change it and make it better, maybe over time, but it won't disappear. i feel like i've lost so much of myself. every step i take is heavy, and feels heavier. things i used to look forward to don't excite me anymore. i've been taking some time off, seen people to get help. i'm still trying to be active... pushing the pon, goofy persona aside for a moment... this sphere, even if big and growing, is still relatively new, and i wonder if i'll ever find a place for myself where i can be genuinely accepted. can i belong somewhere? should i belong somewhere? over five years of witnessing everything move in front of my eyes. the good. the bad. it's tiresome. i've always wanted to do more. meet people. real people. connect together. create cool things. make others smile even when i'm not smiling myself. i've already thought about just ignoring everything and stop caring, that's what most people do. they pretend they don't see, i can't blame them... but i can't do the same. it's been so, so tough for me lately and i don't know what to do. i'm glad i'm still around, even if i'm not sure for how long. in the big scheme of things, i'm just another speck in the sand. i could really use a hug without letting go. a whole months' worth of a hug. i'll be on and off. i'm sorry.

1740030222753.png
 

httn

Panko of color
Joined:  Dec 27, 2022
Holy fuck woman, paragraphs are a thing y'know.


Archive

can i be raw for a sec? honestly i've been feeling so lost since that thing. i know i haven't made the best choices under pressure. never have. didn't handle it in the best way, i just did what i thought was right to protect myself and leave that shit hole. i really felt stuck, trapped. like i was surrounded by barbed wire from every direction, with an intimidating presence looming over me, forcing me to keep quiet. damned if i do, damned if i don't. i was so distressed, knowing people were talking about me. looking at me. taking jabs at me, sometimes i still take the blame, even if i have nothing to do with it. even if i had every right to be upset by how things were handled, and to try to stand up for myself when no help or clarifications were offered. leaving me scrambling with the aftermath. i was truly all alone. abandoned, discarded. i tell myself that i ruined everything, made a fool out of myself, and everyone hates me. look at her, she doesn't know what she's doing. doesn't know what she wants. she's writing a wall of text on twitter. she's quitting, she's staying. videos are made. posts are made. more gossip, more bullshit. please do me a favor, and don't. the expectations are heavy. i'm supposed to have it together, but i really don't. i deal with everything by pushing everyone away, keeping it all inside. to this damn day. everything feels like it finally came crumbling down the past few months and i feel sick. my real feelings have come out even when i tried distracting myself, building something new for myself, and experimenting with new things, albeit messily. some life changes have been affecting me pretty badly as well. as much as i've tried staying positive, going about my day making my silly posts and moving on... i just can't help but remember how good people were put in a bad situation. pitted against each other. things escalated because of misunderstandings. i've lost friends. opportunities. maybe it was just an illusion all along, anyhow. to make money in the machine. i will never, ever forgive that person. not only for making me experience something so overwhelming that it leaves me dizzy and shaking whenever i think too hard about it, but bringing hurt and suffering to others as well. wasted, crushed dreams. seriously, fuck you. you liar. i thought it could finally do something amazing. you ran away like a coward instead. it's bitter. it's complicated. some people are still hurting. i want to stream and do side projects... i still have fun doing it... but it's hard. i don't want to be associated with all these bad things. all this pain, guilt, and grief. content creation, and sharing a space with so many people watching your every move, capturing and distorting your likeness in time even if people and situations change... it's not easy... i can't imagine how some people out there are feeling, experiencing something similar because of shitty practices by inexperienced or predatory companies... this has to stop. it is so unfair and damaging. i want to keep going, i know i can change it and make it better, maybe over time, but it won't disappear. i feel like i've lost so much of myself. every step i take is heavy, and feels heavier. things i used to look forward to don't excite me anymore. i've been taking some time off, seen people to get help. i'm still trying to be active... pushing the pon, goofy persona aside for a moment... this sphere, even if big and growing, is still relatively new, and i wonder if i'll ever find a place for myself where i can be genuinely accepted. can i belong somewhere? should i belong somewhere? over five years of witnessing everything move in front of my eyes. the good. the bad. it's tiresome. i've always wanted to do more. meet people. real people. connect together. create cool things. make others smile even when i'm not smiling myself. i've already thought about just ignoring everything and stop caring, that's what most people do. they pretend they don't see, i can't blame them... but i can't do the same. it's been so, so tough for me lately and i don't know what to do. i'm glad i'm still around, even if i'm not sure for how long. in the big scheme of things, i'm just another speck in the sand. i could really use a hug without letting go. a whole months' worth of a hug. i'll be on and off. i'm sorry.

20250220_115408.jpg
 

I Wanna Die

Don't do drugs, blow all your money on vtubers
Joined:  Nov 15, 2023
Holy fuck woman, paragraphs are a thing y'know.


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can i be raw for a sec? honestly i've been feeling so lost since that thing. i know i haven't made the best choices under pressure. never have. didn't handle it in the best way, i just did what i thought was right to protect myself and leave that shit hole. i really felt stuck, trapped. like i was surrounded by barbed wire from every direction, with an intimidating presence looming over me, forcing me to keep quiet. damned if i do, damned if i don't. i was so distressed, knowing people were talking about me. looking at me. taking jabs at me, sometimes i still take the blame, even if i have nothing to do with it. even if i had every right to be upset by how things were handled, and to try to stand up for myself when no help or clarifications were offered. leaving me scrambling with the aftermath. i was truly all alone. abandoned, discarded. i tell myself that i ruined everything, made a fool out of myself, and everyone hates me. look at her, she doesn't know what she's doing. doesn't know what she wants. she's writing a wall of text on twitter. she's quitting, she's staying. videos are made. posts are made. more gossip, more bullshit. please do me a favor, and don't. the expectations are heavy. i'm supposed to have it together, but i really don't. i deal with everything by pushing everyone away, keeping it all inside. to this damn day. everything feels like it finally came crumbling down the past few months and i feel sick. my real feelings have come out even when i tried distracting myself, building something new for myself, and experimenting with new things, albeit messily. some life changes have been affecting me pretty badly as well. as much as i've tried staying positive, going about my day making my silly posts and moving on... i just can't help but remember how good people were put in a bad situation. pitted against each other. things escalated because of misunderstandings. i've lost friends. opportunities. maybe it was just an illusion all along, anyhow. to make money in the machine. i will never, ever forgive that person. not only for making me experience something so overwhelming that it leaves me dizzy and shaking whenever i think too hard about it, but bringing hurt and suffering to others as well. wasted, crushed dreams. seriously, fuck you. you liar. i thought it could finally do something amazing. you ran away like a coward instead. it's bitter. it's complicated. some people are still hurting. i want to stream and do side projects... i still have fun doing it... but it's hard. i don't want to be associated with all these bad things. all this pain, guilt, and grief. content creation, and sharing a space with so many people watching your every move, capturing and distorting your likeness in time even if people and situations change... it's not easy... i can't imagine how some people out there are feeling, experiencing something similar because of shitty practices by inexperienced or predatory companies... this has to stop. it is so unfair and damaging. i want to keep going, i know i can change it and make it better, maybe over time, but it won't disappear. i feel like i've lost so much of myself. every step i take is heavy, and feels heavier. things i used to look forward to don't excite me anymore. i've been taking some time off, seen people to get help. i'm still trying to be active... pushing the pon, goofy persona aside for a moment... this sphere, even if big and growing, is still relatively new, and i wonder if i'll ever find a place for myself where i can be genuinely accepted. can i belong somewhere? should i belong somewhere? over five years of witnessing everything move in front of my eyes. the good. the bad. it's tiresome. i've always wanted to do more. meet people. real people. connect together. create cool things. make others smile even when i'm not smiling myself. i've already thought about just ignoring everything and stop caring, that's what most people do. they pretend they don't see, i can't blame them... but i can't do the same. it's been so, so tough for me lately and i don't know what to do. i'm glad i'm still around, even if i'm not sure for how long. in the big scheme of things, i'm just another speck in the sand. i could really use a hug without letting go. a whole months' worth of a hug. i'll be on and off. i'm sorry.

The lengths a woman will go to to avoid accountability. I love her
 
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