really sorry for disappearing today, you guys, this is an honest post about everything going on, so trigger warning or whatever, i'm sorry, i just wanted to explain why i'm fucking up so horribly lately
i had a panic attack today due to everything, then i got really stressed, and my palpitations got bad, and i passed out, which is why i didn't make today's stream, i'm really sorry. luckily i kind of know when it's gonna happen now so i was able to sit down and i'm okay.
i've had just about the most stressful week ever. my mama is in the hospital for an abscess that is life-threateningly infected but due to her history of cancer they can't operate on her and just have to keep treating her. unfortunately the abscess made her vomit a whole lot and she couldn't take her regular meds, which led to her getting terrible withdrawals and trying to kill herself at the weekend. it was an incredibly serious attempt and she was in intensive care after for all of sunday and monday, me and my brother were with her on sunday which is why i had to cancel then.
and we're pretty convinced she wants to try again. the hospital keeps trying to let her home since she keeps telling the mental health doctors what they want to hear
i live with her, my grandmother, and my four younger siblings, so when something like this happens, me and my gran have to pretty much take over everything, which is so much stress when my whole family are quite sickly and pretty much all of us are on anti-crazy meds. my grandmother has debilitating social anxiety and can't talk to doctors or handle anything herself, which puts a lot of the strain on me and my brother, but he gets too upset and just cries. it's too much for me also as a schizophrenic, but i am used to just doing my best to take care of everyone, no matter what. i am not doing well physically either and my heart problems are pretty bad, so i am just trying to keep myself stable and stop my family from falling apart. it's impossible.
i thought i'd be abe to stream today because they're trying to get her back on her meds and stabilise her again, and yesterday was fairly calm in my house, but she's acting very dangerously and it's really scary. we are trying to get her sectioned but whoever her mental health doctor is just wants to send her home even though every family member and every hospital doctor has said she will absolutely khs if they do.
i know this isn't a nice post but it's stuff i've said on discord and i worry anyone who isn't there might feel like i'm just doing a terrible job with everything lately, and i am really, really sorry if you feel disappointed in me. a lot of bad things happen and i usually just tough them out but this has got my entire household constantly screaming and arguing 24 hours a day. it's a nightmare. i feel like i live in a mental asylum ;v; i can't even sleep because every time i manage to drift off, i have to be woken up because something else bad has happened.
i will try to hydrate and eat something and i'll do my absolute best to make tomorrow's stream. i really fucking hate valentines day, but i don't think being alone through it would help, and i want to be there if you guys need me too. i need to do better for everyone and for you guys especially. there's a lot of pressure, but the thing that upsets me the most in the world is when i feel like i'm failing people, and i feel like all i do is fail recently. i'm really sorry!
all i have in the world is you guys and my family. i know it might be unfair of me to tell you this because it's an unbalanced relationship, but i don't have anyone else to talk to, and i suck at lying and hiding these things, and i just want to get back to having fun and streaming, and i think you deserve to know why i fail so hard at this lately. i've never been good at properly opening up to strangers, but the techniques i learned in the ten years of therapy i had are usually enough to help me through these things, but lately i think it's all just too much for me. sorry for imploding in discord. i am just so bad at all of this.
i'm not sure i want to keep talking about this, eithero n discord, or twitter, or stream, any more, so i just wanted to make sure anyone who cares can read what is happening so i dont have to force it,. i think you deserve to know but also i just want to stream and have fun.
i hope we can have fun tomorrow. hopefully nothing else bad happens. i dont think i can handle it.
i'm sorry ;v;
