"I hope you enjoy the smell of my ass! Orrraaa"Momosuzu Nene
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❌Idol Manager Lani claims that Brave Group unlawfully terminated her and was preparing to lie to the public about her breaching their NDA as a justification.❌
🍪Ex-Butter Cookie writes a 2700-word document about leaving his oshi, Shiina. | Shiina Responds.🍪 -
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Hello /vt/ users!
You're probably here because your homeland has rewarded your loyalty by leaking all your IPs and proving to have been a fed honeypot. If you intend to join here, be aware that our rules are not shibboleths and will be enforced equally. You will not be allowed to spread lies about your business rivals or be able to make inconvenient information disappear by sending nudes to a moderator. Adapt or die. Thank you!
Phase Connect General
- Thread starter The Proctor
- Start date
Phase Connect Announcements [Note: All entries are links]
Eimi please fix your mic 
Eimi please fix your mic
It's not the mic, it's a streaming issue. Rie's sounds fine because she is hosting it. Shiina is also scuffed but less than Eimi.
Shiina Fan Goes Schizo
New
Sunday night is the perfect time for Butter Cookie schizo posting! (I do not know how to archive so someone grab this. )
I’m writing this for my own selfish reasons, so if you don't want to read it for whatever reasons, it's okay. I don't actually expect you to read it since I expect mods are going to read this to check it first (edit: they did and decided not to send it to you for very understandable reasons)
Well, how do I start this?
Maybe by saying this won't be a 100 page schizo manifest or something. I'm too far away to be one of those. At least, in my eyes I am.
This is gonna be a convoluted mess to read because this is my first and my last time doing this, but let's begin anyways
These last few weeks ever since I came back from my absence have been a weird Rollercoaster about what I should do about my feelings with you. Not so much of a Rollercoaster, but more of an observation of my own behavior and which road to take from now on. And that road has to be without you. But not just you, without any of your company mates as well. This is going to be like the weeks before when I was absent, but you won't be noticing it that much anyway.
Since I haven't been that much of a presence at all, it won't be that noticeable.
Maybe that's what this letter is about? But that's normal.
I'm just another fan,nothing more, nothing less.
Ultimately, I've used you for my own selfish reasons which made me do very stupid things. Like falling for you. Becoming a bit more outgoing for you. Mustering up the courage to join a huge community for you. Getting the highest tier membership for you. Watching every stream, no matter if I have to watch the VOD or catch it live on twitch on unholy hours or letting it run during night shift while listening to it on a secret channel for you. Replying to every tweet and streams to help you with the engagement stuff, no matter how inane my comments were for you. Making songs and remixes that will never see the light of the day because my ADHD gets in the way of finishing things for you. Making clips of your cutest moments to help you grow and then giving up because more and more people started clipping you and I felt superfluous for you. Commissioning art and then getting too addicted to it and then getting a 10k loan because of wanting to cheer you up with cute art when you cried out of desperation because of your (back then unknown) condition for you. Buying all of your merch along with three dakis and even a lot of those bee plushies to make you happy whenever I take a picture of them for you. But all of that wasn't for you, it was for me in the end. Why? That's a good question. But I know why.
Because depression still has me by its claws, I still long to be someone. When I started watching you, I saw a VTuber that didn't seem like anything special. But her chat and viewer interaction seemed really high so what if... What if I became “that guy”. That guy who replies to all of her tweets and comments on all of her VODs. That guy who owns all of her merch and watches all of her streams. That guy who seems like a hardcore fan of hers. Not a nobody, but somebody.
I’m sure I've mentioned this before, but when I started watching you, I was No Body. Someone who barely interacted with you while trying to hide because he felt not being worth a single damn in this world. No one really important because he doesn't have anything to care for so why would someone care for him anyway. But seeing more and more of this seemingly gentle person on the screen made him want to become someone for her.
Watching your growth has been quite a ride. Seeing you in the discord arguing with other members and on streams back then wasn't a fun sight to see. You could tell you were agitated by something every time you got on stream. For many this was a reason to leave, but I stayed. Not sure if it was sunk cost fallacy kinda thing but I've always been dumb like that. Not knowing when to leave and that kinda thing. Being a dumb loyal dog some might say.
Then the baking stream happened. I was oblivious to most things but I honestly didn't see why most of the things you addressed back then were brought up. The “taking this stream seriously” point also confused me because that made the previous points invalid in my opinion. I didn't feel called out by any of these points, so I am in the clear, I thought. But you felt a bit better after that stream so I have less to complain about. You being away for a month on “banana mango island” was like therapy for you and I still remember changing my name back then from No Body to Taku-oh. You felt more free in your choices so it wasn't tough to watch you anymore. I felt like “this is the person I can finally call my oshi” after seeing you more carefree on stream. I have had many favorites back then, but I've never called some vtuber my oshi because it felt like a huge commitment, and having commitment issues, it wasn't an easy hurdle to jump but you've proven yourself worthy of being called an oshi by someone. That was the point I wanted to support you more than ever, because you seemed more than worth it.
If I knew how bad last year would take a toll on me, I still would've laid low.
The crab hoodie year. That year sparked my creativity for some reason. I also got more active in the community itself, participated in group projects and such but it was draining. Draining because I’ve never talked with so many different people before while creating something with and for them. It also was amazing, honestly. I gave up on creating new stuff years prior to discovering you because of depression but being around many creators, it also forced me to do something again but in a good way. Feeling good when finishing things while others praised you, well, felt good and I wanted to keep doing that. But my creativity was very limited. That’s where watching your streams helped, even for a bit.
You were a huge source of inspiration that time. I’m still amazed by some of your stream ideas and how you pulled them off, you really are made for this streaming business.
It’s been over a year since I’ve made that short clip of you being a bundle of joy, singing your Kani Song because reformatting your PC worked wonders. It still gets posted to this day and I think that’s a good legacy to leave.
I’ve created:
166 short clips (varying from 1 second to 22 but really low effort ones)
8 actual clips (6 Work in Progress ones that will never get finished)
4 videos (plus 3 doro ones)
4 songs (plus 23 WiP remix ones that also wont see to be finished)
this whole time.
At some point, I wasn’t creating my own sake anymore, it was to get your attention. And that wasn’t good. Not good for my health and mental. And that was also one of the reasons I stopped. But I got toxic brainworms in the meantime which also prevented me from creating stuff. That’s where my commissions came into play.
They became my addiction after being burnt out from creating a few clips. It was somehow a good way to cope with stuff but they’ve drained my money resources for quite a bit. Since I had no artistic drawing skills, this was also a good way to put out the ideas I had for you to draw stuff. Your breakdown in august during a karaoke that didn’t go well made me feel powerless. And I didn’t know how else to cheer you up but with cute art. So I did something unreasonable and took a 10k loan and commissioned a lot of art. Lots of cute and cool art, but also lots of NSFW art. There’s still three NSFW animations in the works up to this day from the 10k loan, but it’s all used up now.
The regret when my parents and I got housing troubles was intense. But I immediately felt bad because I promised to be there next Offkai, even though I live here in europe. I had to take another huge loan just to let us stay where we are, and no more savings. All of it, gone. Now I’m in debt and have to keep working a job I never wanted to pay it off for several more years. It’s gonna be rough, but we will make it through. But no Offkai. No me cheering you on from the first row. Which still brings my mood down whenever Offkai gets mentioned. But it is how it do be.
The more I think about your last birthday being disrupted by 631’s letter, the more I feel I share his feelings over and over with time. It might be different, it might be almost exact feelings, but in the end I wanted to have your attention. I still do, maybe that’s why I’m writing this letter to you. But that’s impossible.
Impossible with how I am. Impossible with who I am.
The time I spent away from you opened my eyes, even if for a bit. I haven’t gotten any better at all ever since I met you. I’m still depressed. And I was just using you as someone to hold on to. Someone who cares a lot. And I’d like to say I’m sorry with all of my heart, but some parts of me are not. I just wish I had cared for you more in the end. And cared more about myself. But that’s why I’m leaving for good now, to care more about myself.
These days without you were hell. I couldn’t bring myself to put away your daki so I slept on the floor because I felt I didn't deserve your presence. I also got really angry at you for no reason, blaming you for how I am and such. But I calmed down knowing it’s me who chose you and not the other way around. And then I got sad because it wasn’t the other way around. I had a brief moment of madness where I just wanted to throw away all the bees and burn them all, but I collected myself as soon as I held up the plastic bag. They will get gifted to my near kindergarten instead. They will probably have it way better than here with me.
My daily routine will have to be without you from now on. It’s gonna be hard because there is still merch of you on the way and with all of the merch that already is standing around in my room, but it is what it is. I will have to learn not to hug your daki before work and arriving from work, to learn not to keep that keychain with me at all times, to learn to not take pictures with the keychain when I see nature’s beauty outside, to learn not to drink tea anymore while watching your streams at home. There’s more I’m forgetting because it was routine after all, but I will try my best to be more normal.
Maybe also the reason why I’m leaving is because of the influx of new people and you paying more attention to them instead of me. Tired of being jealous and envying them. But I also envy other older cookies that got more attention than me. Being here for so long does not give me a pass for allowing to speak with you more. I really, really wish I could’ve spoken with you more.
But you know, I understand why I get ignored and overlooked so much.
Because I am too normal.
Because I am not interesting.
Because I am not an artist.
Because I am not american.
Because I am too slow at chatting.
Because I am not a clipper.
Because I am not a whore.
Because I am not gay.
Because I am not new anymore.
Because I don’t talk too much.
Because I don’t have any friends.
Because I am me.
Because I still think I am a nobody.
And because of that, I will leave. To make myself somewhere anew. And keep looking to somewhere that belongs to me instead of trying to belong somewhere I clearly don’t.
I can’t change who or how I am but I can change my surroundings to make me feel different.
In the end it’s my fault for being weak to affection. None of this is your fault or anyone else’s, it’s my fault alone. Do not blame your own self for my misgivings. You were as much a victim as I was of my own actions. And for that, I apologize.
Thank you for humoring little old me for a while. I was happy, even though I was never good at expressing it. It was nice pretending you were the one and only in my life for a year or two. It’s not a lot, but it’s an experience to learn from. You saying that you’re done with crying about people leaving gave me a push. As if you were giving me the okay to leave. Which made me happy that you’ve grown a lot. And now it’s my time to do the same.
Maybe I will see you some time again, maybe not
But in the meantime, I wish you and your company good luck.
See ya Shiina.
And for those who aren't Shiina are reading this :
Please let this be a lesson to you and don't get too addicted to a relationship that you won't ever have.
Keep looking for that someone. Even if Shiina seems perfect, she can never ever replicate the feelings you have for her. Shiina isn't available 24/7. She won't reply to you personally at 3AM when you message her about something that went wrong on your day. Friends and family do. And these are the closest people you will ever meet unlike Shiina.
i wish that you couldve seen a tiny bit of my lineseverytime i came around i was never worth any sparkafraid to ask if i should have stayedmy colors already started to change
now the day never shone as muchyears passed by while some things stayed the sameyoull never know which kind of way i wentwhile we may never meet again
i hope u will forget mewhen darker nights arriveyour light will keep on shiningand without me they shine more brightmy feelings never reachedfor eyes that never looked at meim no longer here
i hope u forget to think about my last goodbyedoesnt matter where i am youll never look through the nightanother shape that leads where stars go diemade it easier to lose my path
here ill stay always out of sightno line to find dissolving the rest of my signsyoull never catch my light even from afareven if its a supernova
no matter if its too blurredi will carry on aloneno bond that ever occuredmakes it easy to be on my owngetting further everydayyou feel so ever far awaybut i wont stay
i know u will forget mewhen darker nights arriveyour light will keep on shiningand without me they shine more brightmy feelings they never reachedmy part was never meant to beim no longer here
please forget about me, Shiina.
This shit makes me look stable. 
MOD EDIT
For Closure (by a nodbody)
Hey Shiina,I’m writing this for my own selfish reasons, so if you don't want to read it for whatever reasons, it's okay. I don't actually expect you to read it since I expect mods are going to read this to check it first (edit: they did and decided not to send it to you for very understandable reasons)
Well, how do I start this?
Maybe by saying this won't be a 100 page schizo manifest or something. I'm too far away to be one of those. At least, in my eyes I am.
This is gonna be a convoluted mess to read because this is my first and my last time doing this, but let's begin anyways
These last few weeks ever since I came back from my absence have been a weird Rollercoaster about what I should do about my feelings with you. Not so much of a Rollercoaster, but more of an observation of my own behavior and which road to take from now on. And that road has to be without you. But not just you, without any of your company mates as well. This is going to be like the weeks before when I was absent, but you won't be noticing it that much anyway.
Since I haven't been that much of a presence at all, it won't be that noticeable.
Maybe that's what this letter is about? But that's normal.
I'm just another fan,nothing more, nothing less.
Ultimately, I've used you for my own selfish reasons which made me do very stupid things. Like falling for you. Becoming a bit more outgoing for you. Mustering up the courage to join a huge community for you. Getting the highest tier membership for you. Watching every stream, no matter if I have to watch the VOD or catch it live on twitch on unholy hours or letting it run during night shift while listening to it on a secret channel for you. Replying to every tweet and streams to help you with the engagement stuff, no matter how inane my comments were for you. Making songs and remixes that will never see the light of the day because my ADHD gets in the way of finishing things for you. Making clips of your cutest moments to help you grow and then giving up because more and more people started clipping you and I felt superfluous for you. Commissioning art and then getting too addicted to it and then getting a 10k loan because of wanting to cheer you up with cute art when you cried out of desperation because of your (back then unknown) condition for you. Buying all of your merch along with three dakis and even a lot of those bee plushies to make you happy whenever I take a picture of them for you. But all of that wasn't for you, it was for me in the end. Why? That's a good question. But I know why.
Because depression still has me by its claws, I still long to be someone. When I started watching you, I saw a VTuber that didn't seem like anything special. But her chat and viewer interaction seemed really high so what if... What if I became “that guy”. That guy who replies to all of her tweets and comments on all of her VODs. That guy who owns all of her merch and watches all of her streams. That guy who seems like a hardcore fan of hers. Not a nobody, but somebody.
I’m sure I've mentioned this before, but when I started watching you, I was No Body. Someone who barely interacted with you while trying to hide because he felt not being worth a single damn in this world. No one really important because he doesn't have anything to care for so why would someone care for him anyway. But seeing more and more of this seemingly gentle person on the screen made him want to become someone for her.
Watching your growth has been quite a ride. Seeing you in the discord arguing with other members and on streams back then wasn't a fun sight to see. You could tell you were agitated by something every time you got on stream. For many this was a reason to leave, but I stayed. Not sure if it was sunk cost fallacy kinda thing but I've always been dumb like that. Not knowing when to leave and that kinda thing. Being a dumb loyal dog some might say.
Then the baking stream happened. I was oblivious to most things but I honestly didn't see why most of the things you addressed back then were brought up. The “taking this stream seriously” point also confused me because that made the previous points invalid in my opinion. I didn't feel called out by any of these points, so I am in the clear, I thought. But you felt a bit better after that stream so I have less to complain about. You being away for a month on “banana mango island” was like therapy for you and I still remember changing my name back then from No Body to Taku-oh. You felt more free in your choices so it wasn't tough to watch you anymore. I felt like “this is the person I can finally call my oshi” after seeing you more carefree on stream. I have had many favorites back then, but I've never called some vtuber my oshi because it felt like a huge commitment, and having commitment issues, it wasn't an easy hurdle to jump but you've proven yourself worthy of being called an oshi by someone. That was the point I wanted to support you more than ever, because you seemed more than worth it.
If I knew how bad last year would take a toll on me, I still would've laid low.
The crab hoodie year. That year sparked my creativity for some reason. I also got more active in the community itself, participated in group projects and such but it was draining. Draining because I’ve never talked with so many different people before while creating something with and for them. It also was amazing, honestly. I gave up on creating new stuff years prior to discovering you because of depression but being around many creators, it also forced me to do something again but in a good way. Feeling good when finishing things while others praised you, well, felt good and I wanted to keep doing that. But my creativity was very limited. That’s where watching your streams helped, even for a bit.
You were a huge source of inspiration that time. I’m still amazed by some of your stream ideas and how you pulled them off, you really are made for this streaming business.
It’s been over a year since I’ve made that short clip of you being a bundle of joy, singing your Kani Song because reformatting your PC worked wonders. It still gets posted to this day and I think that’s a good legacy to leave.
I’ve created:
166 short clips (varying from 1 second to 22 but really low effort ones)
8 actual clips (6 Work in Progress ones that will never get finished)
4 videos (plus 3 doro ones)
4 songs (plus 23 WiP remix ones that also wont see to be finished)
this whole time.
At some point, I wasn’t creating my own sake anymore, it was to get your attention. And that wasn’t good. Not good for my health and mental. And that was also one of the reasons I stopped. But I got toxic brainworms in the meantime which also prevented me from creating stuff. That’s where my commissions came into play.
They became my addiction after being burnt out from creating a few clips. It was somehow a good way to cope with stuff but they’ve drained my money resources for quite a bit. Since I had no artistic drawing skills, this was also a good way to put out the ideas I had for you to draw stuff. Your breakdown in august during a karaoke that didn’t go well made me feel powerless. And I didn’t know how else to cheer you up but with cute art. So I did something unreasonable and took a 10k loan and commissioned a lot of art. Lots of cute and cool art, but also lots of NSFW art. There’s still three NSFW animations in the works up to this day from the 10k loan, but it’s all used up now.
The regret when my parents and I got housing troubles was intense. But I immediately felt bad because I promised to be there next Offkai, even though I live here in europe. I had to take another huge loan just to let us stay where we are, and no more savings. All of it, gone. Now I’m in debt and have to keep working a job I never wanted to pay it off for several more years. It’s gonna be rough, but we will make it through. But no Offkai. No me cheering you on from the first row. Which still brings my mood down whenever Offkai gets mentioned. But it is how it do be.
The more I think about your last birthday being disrupted by 631’s letter, the more I feel I share his feelings over and over with time. It might be different, it might be almost exact feelings, but in the end I wanted to have your attention. I still do, maybe that’s why I’m writing this letter to you. But that’s impossible.
Impossible with how I am. Impossible with who I am.
The time I spent away from you opened my eyes, even if for a bit. I haven’t gotten any better at all ever since I met you. I’m still depressed. And I was just using you as someone to hold on to. Someone who cares a lot. And I’d like to say I’m sorry with all of my heart, but some parts of me are not. I just wish I had cared for you more in the end. And cared more about myself. But that’s why I’m leaving for good now, to care more about myself.
These days without you were hell. I couldn’t bring myself to put away your daki so I slept on the floor because I felt I didn't deserve your presence. I also got really angry at you for no reason, blaming you for how I am and such. But I calmed down knowing it’s me who chose you and not the other way around. And then I got sad because it wasn’t the other way around. I had a brief moment of madness where I just wanted to throw away all the bees and burn them all, but I collected myself as soon as I held up the plastic bag. They will get gifted to my near kindergarten instead. They will probably have it way better than here with me.
My daily routine will have to be without you from now on. It’s gonna be hard because there is still merch of you on the way and with all of the merch that already is standing around in my room, but it is what it is. I will have to learn not to hug your daki before work and arriving from work, to learn not to keep that keychain with me at all times, to learn to not take pictures with the keychain when I see nature’s beauty outside, to learn not to drink tea anymore while watching your streams at home. There’s more I’m forgetting because it was routine after all, but I will try my best to be more normal.
Maybe also the reason why I’m leaving is because of the influx of new people and you paying more attention to them instead of me. Tired of being jealous and envying them. But I also envy other older cookies that got more attention than me. Being here for so long does not give me a pass for allowing to speak with you more. I really, really wish I could’ve spoken with you more.
But you know, I understand why I get ignored and overlooked so much.
Because I am too normal.
Because I am not interesting.
Because I am not an artist.
Because I am not american.
Because I am too slow at chatting.
Because I am not a clipper.
Because I am not a whore.
Because I am not gay.
Because I am not new anymore.
Because I don’t talk too much.
Because I don’t have any friends.
Because I am me.
Because I still think I am a nobody.
And because of that, I will leave. To make myself somewhere anew. And keep looking to somewhere that belongs to me instead of trying to belong somewhere I clearly don’t.
I can’t change who or how I am but I can change my surroundings to make me feel different.
In the end it’s my fault for being weak to affection. None of this is your fault or anyone else’s, it’s my fault alone. Do not blame your own self for my misgivings. You were as much a victim as I was of my own actions. And for that, I apologize.
Thank you for humoring little old me for a while. I was happy, even though I was never good at expressing it. It was nice pretending you were the one and only in my life for a year or two. It’s not a lot, but it’s an experience to learn from. You saying that you’re done with crying about people leaving gave me a push. As if you were giving me the okay to leave. Which made me happy that you’ve grown a lot. And now it’s my time to do the same.
Maybe I will see you some time again, maybe not
But in the meantime, I wish you and your company good luck.
See ya Shiina.
And for those who aren't Shiina are reading this :
Please let this be a lesson to you and don't get too addicted to a relationship that you won't ever have.
Keep looking for that someone. Even if Shiina seems perfect, she can never ever replicate the feelings you have for her. Shiina isn't available 24/7. She won't reply to you personally at 3AM when you message her about something that went wrong on your day. Friends and family do. And these are the closest people you will ever meet unlike Shiina.
ihopeuwillforgetme
the moon begins to shine before i get a chanceto say any words that i left you behindthe cold breeze that was warm once beforewill fade before it reaches your facei wish that you couldve seen a tiny bit of my lineseverytime i came around i was never worth any sparkafraid to ask if i should have stayedmy colors already started to change
now the day never shone as muchyears passed by while some things stayed the sameyoull never know which kind of way i wentwhile we may never meet again
i hope u will forget mewhen darker nights arriveyour light will keep on shiningand without me they shine more brightmy feelings never reachedfor eyes that never looked at meim no longer here
i hope u forget to think about my last goodbyedoesnt matter where i am youll never look through the nightanother shape that leads where stars go diemade it easier to lose my path
here ill stay always out of sightno line to find dissolving the rest of my signsyoull never catch my light even from afareven if its a supernova
no matter if its too blurredi will carry on aloneno bond that ever occuredmakes it easy to be on my owngetting further everydayyou feel so ever far awaybut i wont stay
i know u will forget mewhen darker nights arriveyour light will keep on shiningand without me they shine more brightmy feelings they never reachedmy part was never meant to beim no longer here
please forget about me, Shiina.
MOD EDIT
Last edited by a moderator:
Sunday night is the perfect time for Butter Cookie schizo posting! (I do not know how to archive so someone grab this. )
This shit makes me look stable.For Closure (by a nodbody)
Hey Shiina,
I’m writing this for my own selfish reasons, so if you don't want to read it for whatever reasons, it's okay. I don't actually expect you to read it since I expect mods are going to read this to check it first (edit: they did and decided not to send it to you for very understandable reasons)
Well, how do I start this?
Maybe by saying this won't be a 100 page schizo manifest or something. I'm too far away to be one of those. At least, in my eyes I am.
This is gonna be a convoluted mess to read because this is my first and my last time doing this, but let's begin anyways
These last few weeks ever since I came back from my absence have been a weird Rollercoaster about what I should do about my feelings with you. Not so much of a Rollercoaster, but more of an observation of my own behavior and which road to take from now on. And that road has to be without you. But not just you, without any of your company mates as well. This is going to be like the weeks before when I was absent, but you won't be noticing it that much anyway.
Since I haven't been that much of a presence at all, it won't be that noticeable.
Maybe that's what this letter is about? But that's normal.
I'm just another fan,nothing more, nothing less.
Ultimately, I've used you for my own selfish reasons which made me do very stupid things. Like falling for you. Becoming a bit more outgoing for you. Mustering up the courage to join a huge community for you. Getting the highest tier membership for you. Watching every stream, no matter if I have to watch the VOD or catch it live on twitch on unholy hours or letting it run during night shift while listening to it on a secret channel for you. Replying to every tweet and streams to help you with the engagement stuff, no matter how inane my comments were for you. Making songs and remixes that will never see the light of the day because my ADHD gets in the way of finishing things for you. Making clips of your cutest moments to help you grow and then giving up because more and more people started clipping you and I felt superfluous for you. Commissioning art and then getting too addicted to it and then getting a 10k loan because of wanting to cheer you up with cute art when you cried out of desperation because of your (back then unknown) condition for you. Buying all of your merch along with three dakis and even a lot of those bee plushies to make you happy whenever I take a picture of them for you. But all of that wasn't for you, it was for me in the end. Why? That's a good question. But I know why.
Because depression still has me by its claws, I still long to be someone. When I started watching you, I saw a VTuber that didn't seem like anything special. But her chat and viewer interaction seemed really high so what if... What if I became “that guy”. That guy who replies to all of her tweets and comments on all of her VODs. That guy who owns all of her merch and watches all of her streams. That guy who seems like a hardcore fan of hers. Not a nobody, but somebody.
I’m sure I've mentioned this before, but when I started watching you, I was No Body. Someone who barely interacted with you while trying to hide because he felt not being worth a single damn in this world. No one really important because he doesn't have anything to care for so why would someone care for him anyway. But seeing more and more of this seemingly gentle person on the screen made him want to become someone for her.
Watching your growth has been quite a ride. Seeing you in the discord arguing with other members and on streams back then wasn't a fun sight to see. You could tell you were agitated by something every time you got on stream. For many this was a reason to leave, but I stayed. Not sure if it was sunk cost fallacy kinda thing but I've always been dumb like that. Not knowing when to leave and that kinda thing. Being a dumb loyal dog some might say.
Then the baking stream happened. I was oblivious to most things but I honestly didn't see why most of the things you addressed back then were brought up. The “taking this stream seriously” point also confused me because that made the previous points invalid in my opinion. I didn't feel called out by any of these points, so I am in the clear, I thought. But you felt a bit better after that stream so I have less to complain about. You being away for a month on “banana mango island” was like therapy for you and I still remember changing my name back then from No Body to Taku-oh. You felt more free in your choices so it wasn't tough to watch you anymore. I felt like “this is the person I can finally call my oshi” after seeing you more carefree on stream. I have had many favorites back then, but I've never called some vtuber my oshi because it felt like a huge commitment, and having commitment issues, it wasn't an easy hurdle to jump but you've proven yourself worthy of being called an oshi by someone. That was the point I wanted to support you more than ever, because you seemed more than worth it.
If I knew how bad last year would take a toll on me, I still would've laid low.
The crab hoodie year. That year sparked my creativity for some reason. I also got more active in the community itself, participated in group projects and such but it was draining. Draining because I’ve never talked with so many different people before while creating something with and for them. It also was amazing, honestly. I gave up on creating new stuff years prior to discovering you because of depression but being around many creators, it also forced me to do something again but in a good way. Feeling good when finishing things while others praised you, well, felt good and I wanted to keep doing that. But my creativity was very limited. That’s where watching your streams helped, even for a bit.
You were a huge source of inspiration that time. I’m still amazed by some of your stream ideas and how you pulled them off, you really are made for this streaming business.
It’s been over a year since I’ve made that short clip of you being a bundle of joy, singing your Kani Song because reformatting your PC worked wonders. It still gets posted to this day and I think that’s a good legacy to leave.
I’ve created:
166 short clips (varying from 1 second to 22 but really low effort ones)
8 actual clips (6 Work in Progress ones that will never get finished)
4 videos (plus 3 doro ones)
4 songs (plus 23 WiP remix ones that also wont see to be finished)
this whole time.
At some point, I wasn’t creating my own sake anymore, it was to get your attention. And that wasn’t good. Not good for my health and mental. And that was also one of the reasons I stopped. But I got toxic brainworms in the meantime which also prevented me from creating stuff. That’s where my commissions came into play.
They became my addiction after being burnt out from creating a few clips. It was somehow a good way to cope with stuff but they’ve drained my money resources for quite a bit. Since I had no artistic drawing skills, this was also a good way to put out the ideas I had for you to draw stuff. Your breakdown in august during a karaoke that didn’t go well made me feel powerless. And I didn’t know how else to cheer you up but with cute art. So I did something unreasonable and took a 10k loan and commissioned a lot of art. Lots of cute and cool art, but also lots of NSFW art. There’s still three NSFW animations in the works up to this day from the 10k loan, but it’s all used up now.
The regret when my parents and I got housing troubles was intense. But I immediately felt bad because I promised to be there next Offkai, even though I live here in europe. I had to take another huge loan just to let us stay where we are, and no more savings. All of it, gone. Now I’m in debt and have to keep working a job I never wanted to pay it off for several more years. It’s gonna be rough, but we will make it through. But no Offkai. No me cheering you on from the first row. Which still brings my mood down whenever Offkai gets mentioned. But it is how it do be.
The more I think about your last birthday being disrupted by 631’s letter, the more I feel I share his feelings over and over with time. It might be different, it might be almost exact feelings, but in the end I wanted to have your attention. I still do, maybe that’s why I’m writing this letter to you. But that’s impossible.
Impossible with how I am. Impossible with who I am.
The time I spent away from you opened my eyes, even if for a bit. I haven’t gotten any better at all ever since I met you. I’m still depressed. And I was just using you as someone to hold on to. Someone who cares a lot. And I’d like to say I’m sorry with all of my heart, but some parts of me are not. I just wish I had cared for you more in the end. And cared more about myself. But that’s why I’m leaving for good now, to care more about myself.
These days without you were hell. I couldn’t bring myself to put away your daki so I slept on the floor because I felt I didn't deserve your presence. I also got really angry at you for no reason, blaming you for how I am and such. But I calmed down knowing it’s me who chose you and not the other way around. And then I got sad because it wasn’t the other way around. I had a brief moment of madness where I just wanted to throw away all the bees and burn them all, but I collected myself as soon as I held up the plastic bag. They will get gifted to my near kindergarten instead. They will probably have it way better than here with me.
My daily routine will have to be without you from now on. It’s gonna be hard because there is still merch of you on the way and with all of the merch that already is standing around in my room, but it is what it is. I will have to learn not to hug your daki before work and arriving from work, to learn not to keep that keychain with me at all times, to learn to not take pictures with the keychain when I see nature’s beauty outside, to learn not to drink tea anymore while watching your streams at home. There’s more I’m forgetting because it was routine after all, but I will try my best to be more normal.
Maybe also the reason why I’m leaving is because of the influx of new people and you paying more attention to them instead of me. Tired of being jealous and envying them. But I also envy other older cookies that got more attention than me. Being here for so long does not give me a pass for allowing to speak with you more. I really, really wish I could’ve spoken with you more.
But you know, I understand why I get ignored and overlooked so much.
Because I am too normal.
Because I am not interesting.
Because I am not an artist.
Because I am not american.
Because I am too slow at chatting.
Because I am not a clipper.
Because I am not a whore.
Because I am not gay.
Because I am not new anymore.
Because I don’t talk too much.
Because I don’t have any friends.
Because I am me.
Because I still think I am a nobody.
And because of that, I will leave. To make myself somewhere anew. And keep looking to somewhere that belongs to me instead of trying to belong somewhere I clearly don’t.
I can’t change who or how I am but I can change my surroundings to make me feel different.
In the end it’s my fault for being weak to affection. None of this is your fault or anyone else’s, it’s my fault alone. Do not blame your own self for my misgivings. You were as much a victim as I was of my own actions. And for that, I apologize.
Thank you for humoring little old me for a while. I was happy, even though I was never good at expressing it. It was nice pretending you were the one and only in my life for a year or two. It’s not a lot, but it’s an experience to learn from. You saying that you’re done with crying about people leaving gave me a push. As if you were giving me the okay to leave. Which made me happy that you’ve grown a lot. And now it’s my time to do the same.
Maybe I will see you some time again, maybe not
But in the meantime, I wish you and your company good luck.
See ya Shiina.
And for those who aren't Shiina are reading this :
Please let this be a lesson to you and don't get too addicted to a relationship that you won't ever have.
Keep looking for that someone. Even if Shiina seems perfect, she can never ever replicate the feelings you have for her. Shiina isn't available 24/7. She won't reply to you personally at 3AM when you message her about something that went wrong on your day. Friends and family do. And these are the closest people you will ever meet unlike Shiina.
ihopeuwillforgetme
the moon begins to shine before i get a chanceto say any words that i left you behindthe cold breeze that was warm once beforewill fade before it reaches your face
i wish that you couldve seen a tiny bit of my lineseverytime i came around i was never worth any sparkafraid to ask if i should have stayedmy colors already started to change
now the day never shone as muchyears passed by while some things stayed the sameyoull never know which kind of way i wentwhile we may never meet again
i hope u will forget mewhen darker nights arriveyour light will keep on shiningand without me they shine more brightmy feelings never reachedfor eyes that never looked at meim no longer here
i hope u forget to think about my last goodbyedoesnt matter where i am youll never look through the nightanother shape that leads where stars go diemade it easier to lose my path
here ill stay always out of sightno line to find dissolving the rest of my signsyoull never catch my light even from afareven if its a supernova
no matter if its too blurredi will carry on aloneno bond that ever occuredmakes it easy to be on my owngetting further everydayyou feel so ever far awaybut i wont stay
i know u will forget mewhen darker nights arriveyour light will keep on shiningand without me they shine more brightmy feelings they never reachedmy part was never meant to beim no longer here
please forget about me, Shiina.
that guy saw the KFP suicide and said "hold my beer, Phase should remain as the top sadgirl company"
Sunday night is the perfect time for Butter Cookie schizo posting! (I do not know how to archive so someone grab this. )
This shit makes me look stable.For Closure (by a nodbody)
Hey Shiina,
I’m writing this for my own selfish reasons, so if you don't want to read it for whatever reasons, it's okay. I don't actually expect you to read it since I expect mods are going to read this to check it first (edit: they did and decided not to send it to you for very understandable reasons)
Well, how do I start this?
Maybe by saying this won't be a 100 page schizo manifest or something. I'm too far away to be one of those. At least, in my eyes I am.
This is gonna be a convoluted mess to read because this is my first and my last time doing this, but let's begin anyways
These last few weeks ever since I came back from my absence have been a weird Rollercoaster about what I should do about my feelings with you. Not so much of a Rollercoaster, but more of an observation of my own behavior and which road to take from now on. And that road has to be without you. But not just you, without any of your company mates as well. This is going to be like the weeks before when I was absent, but you won't be noticing it that much anyway.
Since I haven't been that much of a presence at all, it won't be that noticeable.
Maybe that's what this letter is about? But that's normal.
I'm just another fan,nothing more, nothing less.
Ultimately, I've used you for my own selfish reasons which made me do very stupid things. Like falling for you. Becoming a bit more outgoing for you. Mustering up the courage to join a huge community for you. Getting the highest tier membership for you. Watching every stream, no matter if I have to watch the VOD or catch it live on twitch on unholy hours or letting it run during night shift while listening to it on a secret channel for you. Replying to every tweet and streams to help you with the engagement stuff, no matter how inane my comments were for you. Making songs and remixes that will never see the light of the day because my ADHD gets in the way of finishing things for you. Making clips of your cutest moments to help you grow and then giving up because more and more people started clipping you and I felt superfluous for you. Commissioning art and then getting too addicted to it and then getting a 10k loan because of wanting to cheer you up with cute art when you cried out of desperation because of your (back then unknown) condition for you. Buying all of your merch along with three dakis and even a lot of those bee plushies to make you happy whenever I take a picture of them for you. But all of that wasn't for you, it was for me in the end. Why? That's a good question. But I know why.
Because depression still has me by its claws, I still long to be someone. When I started watching you, I saw a VTuber that didn't seem like anything special. But her chat and viewer interaction seemed really high so what if... What if I became “that guy”. That guy who replies to all of her tweets and comments on all of her VODs. That guy who owns all of her merch and watches all of her streams. That guy who seems like a hardcore fan of hers. Not a nobody, but somebody.
I’m sure I've mentioned this before, but when I started watching you, I was No Body. Someone who barely interacted with you while trying to hide because he felt not being worth a single damn in this world. No one really important because he doesn't have anything to care for so why would someone care for him anyway. But seeing more and more of this seemingly gentle person on the screen made him want to become someone for her.
Watching your growth has been quite a ride. Seeing you in the discord arguing with other members and on streams back then wasn't a fun sight to see. You could tell you were agitated by something every time you got on stream. For many this was a reason to leave, but I stayed. Not sure if it was sunk cost fallacy kinda thing but I've always been dumb like that. Not knowing when to leave and that kinda thing. Being a dumb loyal dog some might say.
Then the baking stream happened. I was oblivious to most things but I honestly didn't see why most of the things you addressed back then were brought up. The “taking this stream seriously” point also confused me because that made the previous points invalid in my opinion. I didn't feel called out by any of these points, so I am in the clear, I thought. But you felt a bit better after that stream so I have less to complain about. You being away for a month on “banana mango island” was like therapy for you and I still remember changing my name back then from No Body to Taku-oh. You felt more free in your choices so it wasn't tough to watch you anymore. I felt like “this is the person I can finally call my oshi” after seeing you more carefree on stream. I have had many favorites back then, but I've never called some vtuber my oshi because it felt like a huge commitment, and having commitment issues, it wasn't an easy hurdle to jump but you've proven yourself worthy of being called an oshi by someone. That was the point I wanted to support you more than ever, because you seemed more than worth it.
If I knew how bad last year would take a toll on me, I still would've laid low.
The crab hoodie year. That year sparked my creativity for some reason. I also got more active in the community itself, participated in group projects and such but it was draining. Draining because I’ve never talked with so many different people before while creating something with and for them. It also was amazing, honestly. I gave up on creating new stuff years prior to discovering you because of depression but being around many creators, it also forced me to do something again but in a good way. Feeling good when finishing things while others praised you, well, felt good and I wanted to keep doing that. But my creativity was very limited. That’s where watching your streams helped, even for a bit.
You were a huge source of inspiration that time. I’m still amazed by some of your stream ideas and how you pulled them off, you really are made for this streaming business.
It’s been over a year since I’ve made that short clip of you being a bundle of joy, singing your Kani Song because reformatting your PC worked wonders. It still gets posted to this day and I think that’s a good legacy to leave.
I’ve created:
166 short clips (varying from 1 second to 22 but really low effort ones)
8 actual clips (6 Work in Progress ones that will never get finished)
4 videos (plus 3 doro ones)
4 songs (plus 23 WiP remix ones that also wont see to be finished)
this whole time.
At some point, I wasn’t creating my own sake anymore, it was to get your attention. And that wasn’t good. Not good for my health and mental. And that was also one of the reasons I stopped. But I got toxic brainworms in the meantime which also prevented me from creating stuff. That’s where my commissions came into play.
They became my addiction after being burnt out from creating a few clips. It was somehow a good way to cope with stuff but they’ve drained my money resources for quite a bit. Since I had no artistic drawing skills, this was also a good way to put out the ideas I had for you to draw stuff. Your breakdown in august during a karaoke that didn’t go well made me feel powerless. And I didn’t know how else to cheer you up but with cute art. So I did something unreasonable and took a 10k loan and commissioned a lot of art. Lots of cute and cool art, but also lots of NSFW art. There’s still three NSFW animations in the works up to this day from the 10k loan, but it’s all used up now.
The regret when my parents and I got housing troubles was intense. But I immediately felt bad because I promised to be there next Offkai, even though I live here in europe. I had to take another huge loan just to let us stay where we are, and no more savings. All of it, gone. Now I’m in debt and have to keep working a job I never wanted to pay it off for several more years. It’s gonna be rough, but we will make it through. But no Offkai. No me cheering you on from the first row. Which still brings my mood down whenever Offkai gets mentioned. But it is how it do be.
The more I think about your last birthday being disrupted by 631’s letter, the more I feel I share his feelings over and over with time. It might be different, it might be almost exact feelings, but in the end I wanted to have your attention. I still do, maybe that’s why I’m writing this letter to you. But that’s impossible.
Impossible with how I am. Impossible with who I am.
The time I spent away from you opened my eyes, even if for a bit. I haven’t gotten any better at all ever since I met you. I’m still depressed. And I was just using you as someone to hold on to. Someone who cares a lot. And I’d like to say I’m sorry with all of my heart, but some parts of me are not. I just wish I had cared for you more in the end. And cared more about myself. But that’s why I’m leaving for good now, to care more about myself.
These days without you were hell. I couldn’t bring myself to put away your daki so I slept on the floor because I felt I didn't deserve your presence. I also got really angry at you for no reason, blaming you for how I am and such. But I calmed down knowing it’s me who chose you and not the other way around. And then I got sad because it wasn’t the other way around. I had a brief moment of madness where I just wanted to throw away all the bees and burn them all, but I collected myself as soon as I held up the plastic bag. They will get gifted to my near kindergarten instead. They will probably have it way better than here with me.
My daily routine will have to be without you from now on. It’s gonna be hard because there is still merch of you on the way and with all of the merch that already is standing around in my room, but it is what it is. I will have to learn not to hug your daki before work and arriving from work, to learn not to keep that keychain with me at all times, to learn to not take pictures with the keychain when I see nature’s beauty outside, to learn not to drink tea anymore while watching your streams at home. There’s more I’m forgetting because it was routine after all, but I will try my best to be more normal.
Maybe also the reason why I’m leaving is because of the influx of new people and you paying more attention to them instead of me. Tired of being jealous and envying them. But I also envy other older cookies that got more attention than me. Being here for so long does not give me a pass for allowing to speak with you more. I really, really wish I could’ve spoken with you more.
But you know, I understand why I get ignored and overlooked so much.
Because I am too normal.
Because I am not interesting.
Because I am not an artist.
Because I am not american.
Because I am too slow at chatting.
Because I am not a clipper.
Because I am not a whore.
Because I am not gay.
Because I am not new anymore.
Because I don’t talk too much.
Because I don’t have any friends.
Because I am me.
Because I still think I am a nobody.
And because of that, I will leave. To make myself somewhere anew. And keep looking to somewhere that belongs to me instead of trying to belong somewhere I clearly don’t.
I can’t change who or how I am but I can change my surroundings to make me feel different.
In the end it’s my fault for being weak to affection. None of this is your fault or anyone else’s, it’s my fault alone. Do not blame your own self for my misgivings. You were as much a victim as I was of my own actions. And for that, I apologize.
Thank you for humoring little old me for a while. I was happy, even though I was never good at expressing it. It was nice pretending you were the one and only in my life for a year or two. It’s not a lot, but it’s an experience to learn from. You saying that you’re done with crying about people leaving gave me a push. As if you were giving me the okay to leave. Which made me happy that you’ve grown a lot. And now it’s my time to do the same.
Maybe I will see you some time again, maybe not
But in the meantime, I wish you and your company good luck.
See ya Shiina.
And for those who aren't Shiina are reading this :
Please let this be a lesson to you and don't get too addicted to a relationship that you won't ever have.
Keep looking for that someone. Even if Shiina seems perfect, she can never ever replicate the feelings you have for her. Shiina isn't available 24/7. She won't reply to you personally at 3AM when you message her about something that went wrong on your day. Friends and family do. And these are the closest people you will ever meet unlike Shiina.
ihopeuwillforgetme
the moon begins to shine before i get a chanceto say any words that i left you behindthe cold breeze that was warm once beforewill fade before it reaches your face
i wish that you couldve seen a tiny bit of my lineseverytime i came around i was never worth any sparkafraid to ask if i should have stayedmy colors already started to change
now the day never shone as muchyears passed by while some things stayed the sameyoull never know which kind of way i wentwhile we may never meet again
i hope u will forget mewhen darker nights arriveyour light will keep on shiningand without me they shine more brightmy feelings never reachedfor eyes that never looked at meim no longer here
i hope u forget to think about my last goodbyedoesnt matter where i am youll never look through the nightanother shape that leads where stars go diemade it easier to lose my path
here ill stay always out of sightno line to find dissolving the rest of my signsyoull never catch my light even from afareven if its a supernova
no matter if its too blurredi will carry on aloneno bond that ever occuredmakes it easy to be on my owngetting further everydayyou feel so ever far awaybut i wont stay
i know u will forget mewhen darker nights arriveyour light will keep on shiningand without me they shine more brightmy feelings they never reachedmy part was never meant to beim no longer here
please forget about me, Shiina.
Sunday night is the perfect time for Butter Cookie schizo posting! (I do not know how to archive so someone grab this. )
This shit makes me look stable.For Closure (by a nodbody)
Hey Shiina,
I’m writing this for my own selfish reasons, so if you don't want to read it for whatever reasons, it's okay. I don't actually expect you to read it since I expect mods are going to read this to check it first (edit: they did and decided not to send it to you for very understandable reasons)
Well, how do I start this?
Maybe by saying this won't be a 100 page schizo manifest or something. I'm too far away to be one of those. At least, in my eyes I am.
This is gonna be a convoluted mess to read because this is my first and my last time doing this, but let's begin anyways
These last few weeks ever since I came back from my absence have been a weird Rollercoaster about what I should do about my feelings with you. Not so much of a Rollercoaster, but more of an observation of my own behavior and which road to take from now on. And that road has to be without you. But not just you, without any of your company mates as well. This is going to be like the weeks before when I was absent, but you won't be noticing it that much anyway.
Since I haven't been that much of a presence at all, it won't be that noticeable.
Maybe that's what this letter is about? But that's normal.
I'm just another fan,nothing more, nothing less.
Ultimately, I've used you for my own selfish reasons which made me do very stupid things. Like falling for you. Becoming a bit more outgoing for you. Mustering up the courage to join a huge community for you. Getting the highest tier membership for you. Watching every stream, no matter if I have to watch the VOD or catch it live on twitch on unholy hours or letting it run during night shift while listening to it on a secret channel for you. Replying to every tweet and streams to help you with the engagement stuff, no matter how inane my comments were for you. Making songs and remixes that will never see the light of the day because my ADHD gets in the way of finishing things for you. Making clips of your cutest moments to help you grow and then giving up because more and more people started clipping you and I felt superfluous for you. Commissioning art and then getting too addicted to it and then getting a 10k loan because of wanting to cheer you up with cute art when you cried out of desperation because of your (back then unknown) condition for you. Buying all of your merch along with three dakis and even a lot of those bee plushies to make you happy whenever I take a picture of them for you. But all of that wasn't for you, it was for me in the end. Why? That's a good question. But I know why.
Because depression still has me by its claws, I still long to be someone. When I started watching you, I saw a VTuber that didn't seem like anything special. But her chat and viewer interaction seemed really high so what if... What if I became “that guy”. That guy who replies to all of her tweets and comments on all of her VODs. That guy who owns all of her merch and watches all of her streams. That guy who seems like a hardcore fan of hers. Not a nobody, but somebody.
I’m sure I've mentioned this before, but when I started watching you, I was No Body. Someone who barely interacted with you while trying to hide because he felt not being worth a single damn in this world. No one really important because he doesn't have anything to care for so why would someone care for him anyway. But seeing more and more of this seemingly gentle person on the screen made him want to become someone for her.
Watching your growth has been quite a ride. Seeing you in the discord arguing with other members and on streams back then wasn't a fun sight to see. You could tell you were agitated by something every time you got on stream. For many this was a reason to leave, but I stayed. Not sure if it was sunk cost fallacy kinda thing but I've always been dumb like that. Not knowing when to leave and that kinda thing. Being a dumb loyal dog some might say.
Then the baking stream happened. I was oblivious to most things but I honestly didn't see why most of the things you addressed back then were brought up. The “taking this stream seriously” point also confused me because that made the previous points invalid in my opinion. I didn't feel called out by any of these points, so I am in the clear, I thought. But you felt a bit better after that stream so I have less to complain about. You being away for a month on “banana mango island” was like therapy for you and I still remember changing my name back then from No Body to Taku-oh. You felt more free in your choices so it wasn't tough to watch you anymore. I felt like “this is the person I can finally call my oshi” after seeing you more carefree on stream. I have had many favorites back then, but I've never called some vtuber my oshi because it felt like a huge commitment, and having commitment issues, it wasn't an easy hurdle to jump but you've proven yourself worthy of being called an oshi by someone. That was the point I wanted to support you more than ever, because you seemed more than worth it.
If I knew how bad last year would take a toll on me, I still would've laid low.
The crab hoodie year. That year sparked my creativity for some reason. I also got more active in the community itself, participated in group projects and such but it was draining. Draining because I’ve never talked with so many different people before while creating something with and for them. It also was amazing, honestly. I gave up on creating new stuff years prior to discovering you because of depression but being around many creators, it also forced me to do something again but in a good way. Feeling good when finishing things while others praised you, well, felt good and I wanted to keep doing that. But my creativity was very limited. That’s where watching your streams helped, even for a bit.
You were a huge source of inspiration that time. I’m still amazed by some of your stream ideas and how you pulled them off, you really are made for this streaming business.
It’s been over a year since I’ve made that short clip of you being a bundle of joy, singing your Kani Song because reformatting your PC worked wonders. It still gets posted to this day and I think that’s a good legacy to leave.
I’ve created:
166 short clips (varying from 1 second to 22 but really low effort ones)
8 actual clips (6 Work in Progress ones that will never get finished)
4 videos (plus 3 doro ones)
4 songs (plus 23 WiP remix ones that also wont see to be finished)
this whole time.
At some point, I wasn’t creating my own sake anymore, it was to get your attention. And that wasn’t good. Not good for my health and mental. And that was also one of the reasons I stopped. But I got toxic brainworms in the meantime which also prevented me from creating stuff. That’s where my commissions came into play.
They became my addiction after being burnt out from creating a few clips. It was somehow a good way to cope with stuff but they’ve drained my money resources for quite a bit. Since I had no artistic drawing skills, this was also a good way to put out the ideas I had for you to draw stuff. Your breakdown in august during a karaoke that didn’t go well made me feel powerless. And I didn’t know how else to cheer you up but with cute art. So I did something unreasonable and took a 10k loan and commissioned a lot of art. Lots of cute and cool art, but also lots of NSFW art. There’s still three NSFW animations in the works up to this day from the 10k loan, but it’s all used up now.
The regret when my parents and I got housing troubles was intense. But I immediately felt bad because I promised to be there next Offkai, even though I live here in europe. I had to take another huge loan just to let us stay where we are, and no more savings. All of it, gone. Now I’m in debt and have to keep working a job I never wanted to pay it off for several more years. It’s gonna be rough, but we will make it through. But no Offkai. No me cheering you on from the first row. Which still brings my mood down whenever Offkai gets mentioned. But it is how it do be.
The more I think about your last birthday being disrupted by 631’s letter, the more I feel I share his feelings over and over with time. It might be different, it might be almost exact feelings, but in the end I wanted to have your attention. I still do, maybe that’s why I’m writing this letter to you. But that’s impossible.
Impossible with how I am. Impossible with who I am.
The time I spent away from you opened my eyes, even if for a bit. I haven’t gotten any better at all ever since I met you. I’m still depressed. And I was just using you as someone to hold on to. Someone who cares a lot. And I’d like to say I’m sorry with all of my heart, but some parts of me are not. I just wish I had cared for you more in the end. And cared more about myself. But that’s why I’m leaving for good now, to care more about myself.
These days without you were hell. I couldn’t bring myself to put away your daki so I slept on the floor because I felt I didn't deserve your presence. I also got really angry at you for no reason, blaming you for how I am and such. But I calmed down knowing it’s me who chose you and not the other way around. And then I got sad because it wasn’t the other way around. I had a brief moment of madness where I just wanted to throw away all the bees and burn them all, but I collected myself as soon as I held up the plastic bag. They will get gifted to my near kindergarten instead. They will probably have it way better than here with me.
My daily routine will have to be without you from now on. It’s gonna be hard because there is still merch of you on the way and with all of the merch that already is standing around in my room, but it is what it is. I will have to learn not to hug your daki before work and arriving from work, to learn not to keep that keychain with me at all times, to learn to not take pictures with the keychain when I see nature’s beauty outside, to learn not to drink tea anymore while watching your streams at home. There’s more I’m forgetting because it was routine after all, but I will try my best to be more normal.
Maybe also the reason why I’m leaving is because of the influx of new people and you paying more attention to them instead of me. Tired of being jealous and envying them. But I also envy other older cookies that got more attention than me. Being here for so long does not give me a pass for allowing to speak with you more. I really, really wish I could’ve spoken with you more.
But you know, I understand why I get ignored and overlooked so much.
Because I am too normal.
Because I am not interesting.
Because I am not an artist.
Because I am not american.
Because I am too slow at chatting.
Because I am not a clipper.
Because I am not a whore.
Because I am not gay.
Because I am not new anymore.
Because I don’t talk too much.
Because I don’t have any friends.
Because I am me.
Because I still think I am a nobody.
And because of that, I will leave. To make myself somewhere anew. And keep looking to somewhere that belongs to me instead of trying to belong somewhere I clearly don’t.
I can’t change who or how I am but I can change my surroundings to make me feel different.
In the end it’s my fault for being weak to affection. None of this is your fault or anyone else’s, it’s my fault alone. Do not blame your own self for my misgivings. You were as much a victim as I was of my own actions. And for that, I apologize.
Thank you for humoring little old me for a while. I was happy, even though I was never good at expressing it. It was nice pretending you were the one and only in my life for a year or two. It’s not a lot, but it’s an experience to learn from. You saying that you’re done with crying about people leaving gave me a push. As if you were giving me the okay to leave. Which made me happy that you’ve grown a lot. And now it’s my time to do the same.
Maybe I will see you some time again, maybe not
But in the meantime, I wish you and your company good luck.
See ya Shiina.
And for those who aren't Shiina are reading this :
Please let this be a lesson to you and don't get too addicted to a relationship that you won't ever have.
Keep looking for that someone. Even if Shiina seems perfect, she can never ever replicate the feelings you have for her. Shiina isn't available 24/7. She won't reply to you personally at 3AM when you message her about something that went wrong on your day. Friends and family do. And these are the closest people you will ever meet unlike Shiina.
ihopeuwillforgetme
the moon begins to shine before i get a chanceto say any words that i left you behindthe cold breeze that was warm once beforewill fade before it reaches your face
i wish that you couldve seen a tiny bit of my lineseverytime i came around i was never worth any sparkafraid to ask if i should have stayedmy colors already started to change
now the day never shone as muchyears passed by while some things stayed the sameyoull never know which kind of way i wentwhile we may never meet again
i hope u will forget mewhen darker nights arriveyour light will keep on shiningand without me they shine more brightmy feelings never reachedfor eyes that never looked at meim no longer here
i hope u forget to think about my last goodbyedoesnt matter where i am youll never look through the nightanother shape that leads where stars go diemade it easier to lose my path
here ill stay always out of sightno line to find dissolving the rest of my signsyoull never catch my light even from afareven if its a supernova
no matter if its too blurredi will carry on aloneno bond that ever occuredmakes it easy to be on my owngetting further everydayyou feel so ever far awaybut i wont stay
i know u will forget mewhen darker nights arriveyour light will keep on shiningand without me they shine more brightmy feelings they never reachedmy part was never meant to beim no longer here
please forget about me, Shiina.
Did @Titanosaurus write this?
thhrang
Punished Autism Extraordinaire
Early Adopter
Ward Security
♥Realticule's Husbando♥
Joined:
Sep 13, 2022
Sunday night is the perfect time for Butter Cookie schizo posting! (I do not know how to archive so someone grab this. )
This shit makes me look stable.For Closure (by a nodbody)
Hey Shiina,
I’m writing this for my own selfish reasons, so if you don't want to read it for whatever reasons, it's okay. I don't actually expect you to read it since I expect mods are going to read this to check it first (edit: they did and decided not to send it to you for very understandable reasons)
Well, how do I start this?
Maybe by saying this won't be a 100 page schizo manifest or something. I'm too far away to be one of those. At least, in my eyes I am.
This is gonna be a convoluted mess to read because this is my first and my last time doing this, but let's begin anyways
These last few weeks ever since I came back from my absence have been a weird Rollercoaster about what I should do about my feelings with you. Not so much of a Rollercoaster, but more of an observation of my own behavior and which road to take from now on. And that road has to be without you. But not just you, without any of your company mates as well. This is going to be like the weeks before when I was absent, but you won't be noticing it that much anyway.
Since I haven't been that much of a presence at all, it won't be that noticeable.
Maybe that's what this letter is about? But that's normal.
I'm just another fan,nothing more, nothing less.
Ultimately, I've used you for my own selfish reasons which made me do very stupid things. Like falling for you. Becoming a bit more outgoing for you. Mustering up the courage to join a huge community for you. Getting the highest tier membership for you. Watching every stream, no matter if I have to watch the VOD or catch it live on twitch on unholy hours or letting it run during night shift while listening to it on a secret channel for you. Replying to every tweet and streams to help you with the engagement stuff, no matter how inane my comments were for you. Making songs and remixes that will never see the light of the day because my ADHD gets in the way of finishing things for you. Making clips of your cutest moments to help you grow and then giving up because more and more people started clipping you and I felt superfluous for you. Commissioning art and then getting too addicted to it and then getting a 10k loan because of wanting to cheer you up with cute art when you cried out of desperation because of your (back then unknown) condition for you. Buying all of your merch along with three dakis and even a lot of those bee plushies to make you happy whenever I take a picture of them for you. But all of that wasn't for you, it was for me in the end. Why? That's a good question. But I know why.
Because depression still has me by its claws, I still long to be someone. When I started watching you, I saw a VTuber that didn't seem like anything special. But her chat and viewer interaction seemed really high so what if... What if I became “that guy”. That guy who replies to all of her tweets and comments on all of her VODs. That guy who owns all of her merch and watches all of her streams. That guy who seems like a hardcore fan of hers. Not a nobody, but somebody.
I’m sure I've mentioned this before, but when I started watching you, I was No Body. Someone who barely interacted with you while trying to hide because he felt not being worth a single damn in this world. No one really important because he doesn't have anything to care for so why would someone care for him anyway. But seeing more and more of this seemingly gentle person on the screen made him want to become someone for her.
Watching your growth has been quite a ride. Seeing you in the discord arguing with other members and on streams back then wasn't a fun sight to see. You could tell you were agitated by something every time you got on stream. For many this was a reason to leave, but I stayed. Not sure if it was sunk cost fallacy kinda thing but I've always been dumb like that. Not knowing when to leave and that kinda thing. Being a dumb loyal dog some might say.
Then the baking stream happened. I was oblivious to most things but I honestly didn't see why most of the things you addressed back then were brought up. The “taking this stream seriously” point also confused me because that made the previous points invalid in my opinion. I didn't feel called out by any of these points, so I am in the clear, I thought. But you felt a bit better after that stream so I have less to complain about. You being away for a month on “banana mango island” was like therapy for you and I still remember changing my name back then from No Body to Taku-oh. You felt more free in your choices so it wasn't tough to watch you anymore. I felt like “this is the person I can finally call my oshi” after seeing you more carefree on stream. I have had many favorites back then, but I've never called some vtuber my oshi because it felt like a huge commitment, and having commitment issues, it wasn't an easy hurdle to jump but you've proven yourself worthy of being called an oshi by someone. That was the point I wanted to support you more than ever, because you seemed more than worth it.
If I knew how bad last year would take a toll on me, I still would've laid low.
The crab hoodie year. That year sparked my creativity for some reason. I also got more active in the community itself, participated in group projects and such but it was draining. Draining because I’ve never talked with so many different people before while creating something with and for them. It also was amazing, honestly. I gave up on creating new stuff years prior to discovering you because of depression but being around many creators, it also forced me to do something again but in a good way. Feeling good when finishing things while others praised you, well, felt good and I wanted to keep doing that. But my creativity was very limited. That’s where watching your streams helped, even for a bit.
You were a huge source of inspiration that time. I’m still amazed by some of your stream ideas and how you pulled them off, you really are made for this streaming business.
It’s been over a year since I’ve made that short clip of you being a bundle of joy, singing your Kani Song because reformatting your PC worked wonders. It still gets posted to this day and I think that’s a good legacy to leave.
I’ve created:
166 short clips (varying from 1 second to 22 but really low effort ones)
8 actual clips (6 Work in Progress ones that will never get finished)
4 videos (plus 3 doro ones)
4 songs (plus 23 WiP remix ones that also wont see to be finished)
this whole time.
At some point, I wasn’t creating my own sake anymore, it was to get your attention. And that wasn’t good. Not good for my health and mental. And that was also one of the reasons I stopped. But I got toxic brainworms in the meantime which also prevented me from creating stuff. That’s where my commissions came into play.
They became my addiction after being burnt out from creating a few clips. It was somehow a good way to cope with stuff but they’ve drained my money resources for quite a bit. Since I had no artistic drawing skills, this was also a good way to put out the ideas I had for you to draw stuff. Your breakdown in august during a karaoke that didn’t go well made me feel powerless. And I didn’t know how else to cheer you up but with cute art. So I did something unreasonable and took a 10k loan and commissioned a lot of art. Lots of cute and cool art, but also lots of NSFW art. There’s still three NSFW animations in the works up to this day from the 10k loan, but it’s all used up now.
The regret when my parents and I got housing troubles was intense. But I immediately felt bad because I promised to be there next Offkai, even though I live here in europe. I had to take another huge loan just to let us stay where we are, and no more savings. All of it, gone. Now I’m in debt and have to keep working a job I never wanted to pay it off for several more years. It’s gonna be rough, but we will make it through. But no Offkai. No me cheering you on from the first row. Which still brings my mood down whenever Offkai gets mentioned. But it is how it do be.
The more I think about your last birthday being disrupted by 631’s letter, the more I feel I share his feelings over and over with time. It might be different, it might be almost exact feelings, but in the end I wanted to have your attention. I still do, maybe that’s why I’m writing this letter to you. But that’s impossible.
Impossible with how I am. Impossible with who I am.
The time I spent away from you opened my eyes, even if for a bit. I haven’t gotten any better at all ever since I met you. I’m still depressed. And I was just using you as someone to hold on to. Someone who cares a lot. And I’d like to say I’m sorry with all of my heart, but some parts of me are not. I just wish I had cared for you more in the end. And cared more about myself. But that’s why I’m leaving for good now, to care more about myself.
These days without you were hell. I couldn’t bring myself to put away your daki so I slept on the floor because I felt I didn't deserve your presence. I also got really angry at you for no reason, blaming you for how I am and such. But I calmed down knowing it’s me who chose you and not the other way around. And then I got sad because it wasn’t the other way around. I had a brief moment of madness where I just wanted to throw away all the bees and burn them all, but I collected myself as soon as I held up the plastic bag. They will get gifted to my near kindergarten instead. They will probably have it way better than here with me.
My daily routine will have to be without you from now on. It’s gonna be hard because there is still merch of you on the way and with all of the merch that already is standing around in my room, but it is what it is. I will have to learn not to hug your daki before work and arriving from work, to learn not to keep that keychain with me at all times, to learn to not take pictures with the keychain when I see nature’s beauty outside, to learn not to drink tea anymore while watching your streams at home. There’s more I’m forgetting because it was routine after all, but I will try my best to be more normal.
Maybe also the reason why I’m leaving is because of the influx of new people and you paying more attention to them instead of me. Tired of being jealous and envying them. But I also envy other older cookies that got more attention than me. Being here for so long does not give me a pass for allowing to speak with you more. I really, really wish I could’ve spoken with you more.
But you know, I understand why I get ignored and overlooked so much.
Because I am too normal.
Because I am not interesting.
Because I am not an artist.
Because I am not american.
Because I am too slow at chatting.
Because I am not a clipper.
Because I am not a whore.
Because I am not gay.
Because I am not new anymore.
Because I don’t talk too much.
Because I don’t have any friends.
Because I am me.
Because I still think I am a nobody.
And because of that, I will leave. To make myself somewhere anew. And keep looking to somewhere that belongs to me instead of trying to belong somewhere I clearly don’t.
I can’t change who or how I am but I can change my surroundings to make me feel different.
In the end it’s my fault for being weak to affection. None of this is your fault or anyone else’s, it’s my fault alone. Do not blame your own self for my misgivings. You were as much a victim as I was of my own actions. And for that, I apologize.
Thank you for humoring little old me for a while. I was happy, even though I was never good at expressing it. It was nice pretending you were the one and only in my life for a year or two. It’s not a lot, but it’s an experience to learn from. You saying that you’re done with crying about people leaving gave me a push. As if you were giving me the okay to leave. Which made me happy that you’ve grown a lot. And now it’s my time to do the same.
Maybe I will see you some time again, maybe not
But in the meantime, I wish you and your company good luck.
See ya Shiina.
And for those who aren't Shiina are reading this :
Please let this be a lesson to you and don't get too addicted to a relationship that you won't ever have.
Keep looking for that someone. Even if Shiina seems perfect, she can never ever replicate the feelings you have for her. Shiina isn't available 24/7. She won't reply to you personally at 3AM when you message her about something that went wrong on your day. Friends and family do. And these are the closest people you will ever meet unlike Shiina.
ihopeuwillforgetme
the moon begins to shine before i get a chanceto say any words that i left you behindthe cold breeze that was warm once beforewill fade before it reaches your face
i wish that you couldve seen a tiny bit of my lineseverytime i came around i was never worth any sparkafraid to ask if i should have stayedmy colors already started to change
now the day never shone as muchyears passed by while some things stayed the sameyoull never know which kind of way i wentwhile we may never meet again
i hope u will forget mewhen darker nights arriveyour light will keep on shiningand without me they shine more brightmy feelings never reachedfor eyes that never looked at meim no longer here
i hope u forget to think about my last goodbyedoesnt matter where i am youll never look through the nightanother shape that leads where stars go diemade it easier to lose my path
here ill stay always out of sightno line to find dissolving the rest of my signsyoull never catch my light even from afareven if its a supernova
no matter if its too blurredi will carry on aloneno bond that ever occuredmakes it easy to be on my owngetting further everydayyou feel so ever far awaybut i wont stay
i know u will forget mewhen darker nights arriveyour light will keep on shiningand without me they shine more brightmy feelings they never reachedmy part was never meant to beim no longer here
please forget about me, Shiina.
Tweet Archive
Rentry Page Archive
>don't know how to archive
Sunday night is the perfect time for Butter Cookie schizo posting! (I do not know how to archive so someone grab this. )
This shit makes me look stable.For Closure (by a nodbody)
Hey Shiina,
I’m writing this for my own selfish reasons, so if you don't want to read it for whatever reasons, it's okay. I don't actually expect you to read it since I expect mods are going to read this to check it first (edit: they did and decided not to send it to you for very understandable reasons)
Well, how do I start this?
Maybe by saying this won't be a 100 page schizo manifest or something. I'm too far away to be one of those. At least, in my eyes I am.
This is gonna be a convoluted mess to read because this is my first and my last time doing this, but let's begin anyways
These last few weeks ever since I came back from my absence have been a weird Rollercoaster about what I should do about my feelings with you. Not so much of a Rollercoaster, but more of an observation of my own behavior and which road to take from now on. And that road has to be without you. But not just you, without any of your company mates as well. This is going to be like the weeks before when I was absent, but you won't be noticing it that much anyway.
Since I haven't been that much of a presence at all, it won't be that noticeable.
Maybe that's what this letter is about? But that's normal.
I'm just another fan,nothing more, nothing less.
Ultimately, I've used you for my own selfish reasons which made me do very stupid things. Like falling for you. Becoming a bit more outgoing for you. Mustering up the courage to join a huge community for you. Getting the highest tier membership for you. Watching every stream, no matter if I have to watch the VOD or catch it live on twitch on unholy hours or letting it run during night shift while listening to it on a secret channel for you. Replying to every tweet and streams to help you with the engagement stuff, no matter how inane my comments were for you. Making songs and remixes that will never see the light of the day because my ADHD gets in the way of finishing things for you. Making clips of your cutest moments to help you grow and then giving up because more and more people started clipping you and I felt superfluous for you. Commissioning art and then getting too addicted to it and then getting a 10k loan because of wanting to cheer you up with cute art when you cried out of desperation because of your (back then unknown) condition for you. Buying all of your merch along with three dakis and even a lot of those bee plushies to make you happy whenever I take a picture of them for you. But all of that wasn't for you, it was for me in the end. Why? That's a good question. But I know why.
Because depression still has me by its claws, I still long to be someone. When I started watching you, I saw a VTuber that didn't seem like anything special. But her chat and viewer interaction seemed really high so what if... What if I became “that guy”. That guy who replies to all of her tweets and comments on all of her VODs. That guy who owns all of her merch and watches all of her streams. That guy who seems like a hardcore fan of hers. Not a nobody, but somebody.
I’m sure I've mentioned this before, but when I started watching you, I was No Body. Someone who barely interacted with you while trying to hide because he felt not being worth a single damn in this world. No one really important because he doesn't have anything to care for so why would someone care for him anyway. But seeing more and more of this seemingly gentle person on the screen made him want to become someone for her.
Watching your growth has been quite a ride. Seeing you in the discord arguing with other members and on streams back then wasn't a fun sight to see. You could tell you were agitated by something every time you got on stream. For many this was a reason to leave, but I stayed. Not sure if it was sunk cost fallacy kinda thing but I've always been dumb like that. Not knowing when to leave and that kinda thing. Being a dumb loyal dog some might say.
Then the baking stream happened. I was oblivious to most things but I honestly didn't see why most of the things you addressed back then were brought up. The “taking this stream seriously” point also confused me because that made the previous points invalid in my opinion. I didn't feel called out by any of these points, so I am in the clear, I thought. But you felt a bit better after that stream so I have less to complain about. You being away for a month on “banana mango island” was like therapy for you and I still remember changing my name back then from No Body to Taku-oh. You felt more free in your choices so it wasn't tough to watch you anymore. I felt like “this is the person I can finally call my oshi” after seeing you more carefree on stream. I have had many favorites back then, but I've never called some vtuber my oshi because it felt like a huge commitment, and having commitment issues, it wasn't an easy hurdle to jump but you've proven yourself worthy of being called an oshi by someone. That was the point I wanted to support you more than ever, because you seemed more than worth it.
If I knew how bad last year would take a toll on me, I still would've laid low.
The crab hoodie year. That year sparked my creativity for some reason. I also got more active in the community itself, participated in group projects and such but it was draining. Draining because I’ve never talked with so many different people before while creating something with and for them. It also was amazing, honestly. I gave up on creating new stuff years prior to discovering you because of depression but being around many creators, it also forced me to do something again but in a good way. Feeling good when finishing things while others praised you, well, felt good and I wanted to keep doing that. But my creativity was very limited. That’s where watching your streams helped, even for a bit.
You were a huge source of inspiration that time. I’m still amazed by some of your stream ideas and how you pulled them off, you really are made for this streaming business.
It’s been over a year since I’ve made that short clip of you being a bundle of joy, singing your Kani Song because reformatting your PC worked wonders. It still gets posted to this day and I think that’s a good legacy to leave.
I’ve created:
166 short clips (varying from 1 second to 22 but really low effort ones)
8 actual clips (6 Work in Progress ones that will never get finished)
4 videos (plus 3 doro ones)
4 songs (plus 23 WiP remix ones that also wont see to be finished)
this whole time.
At some point, I wasn’t creating my own sake anymore, it was to get your attention. And that wasn’t good. Not good for my health and mental. And that was also one of the reasons I stopped. But I got toxic brainworms in the meantime which also prevented me from creating stuff. That’s where my commissions came into play.
They became my addiction after being burnt out from creating a few clips. It was somehow a good way to cope with stuff but they’ve drained my money resources for quite a bit. Since I had no artistic drawing skills, this was also a good way to put out the ideas I had for you to draw stuff. Your breakdown in august during a karaoke that didn’t go well made me feel powerless. And I didn’t know how else to cheer you up but with cute art. So I did something unreasonable and took a 10k loan and commissioned a lot of art. Lots of cute and cool art, but also lots of NSFW art. There’s still three NSFW animations in the works up to this day from the 10k loan, but it’s all used up now.
The regret when my parents and I got housing troubles was intense. But I immediately felt bad because I promised to be there next Offkai, even though I live here in europe. I had to take another huge loan just to let us stay where we are, and no more savings. All of it, gone. Now I’m in debt and have to keep working a job I never wanted to pay it off for several more years. It’s gonna be rough, but we will make it through. But no Offkai. No me cheering you on from the first row. Which still brings my mood down whenever Offkai gets mentioned. But it is how it do be.
The more I think about your last birthday being disrupted by 631’s letter, the more I feel I share his feelings over and over with time. It might be different, it might be almost exact feelings, but in the end I wanted to have your attention. I still do, maybe that’s why I’m writing this letter to you. But that’s impossible.
Impossible with how I am. Impossible with who I am.
The time I spent away from you opened my eyes, even if for a bit. I haven’t gotten any better at all ever since I met you. I’m still depressed. And I was just using you as someone to hold on to. Someone who cares a lot. And I’d like to say I’m sorry with all of my heart, but some parts of me are not. I just wish I had cared for you more in the end. And cared more about myself. But that’s why I’m leaving for good now, to care more about myself.
These days without you were hell. I couldn’t bring myself to put away your daki so I slept on the floor because I felt I didn't deserve your presence. I also got really angry at you for no reason, blaming you for how I am and such. But I calmed down knowing it’s me who chose you and not the other way around. And then I got sad because it wasn’t the other way around. I had a brief moment of madness where I just wanted to throw away all the bees and burn them all, but I collected myself as soon as I held up the plastic bag. They will get gifted to my near kindergarten instead. They will probably have it way better than here with me.
My daily routine will have to be without you from now on. It’s gonna be hard because there is still merch of you on the way and with all of the merch that already is standing around in my room, but it is what it is. I will have to learn not to hug your daki before work and arriving from work, to learn not to keep that keychain with me at all times, to learn to not take pictures with the keychain when I see nature’s beauty outside, to learn not to drink tea anymore while watching your streams at home. There’s more I’m forgetting because it was routine after all, but I will try my best to be more normal.
Maybe also the reason why I’m leaving is because of the influx of new people and you paying more attention to them instead of me. Tired of being jealous and envying them. But I also envy other older cookies that got more attention than me. Being here for so long does not give me a pass for allowing to speak with you more. I really, really wish I could’ve spoken with you more.
But you know, I understand why I get ignored and overlooked so much.
Because I am too normal.
Because I am not interesting.
Because I am not an artist.
Because I am not american.
Because I am too slow at chatting.
Because I am not a clipper.
Because I am not a whore.
Because I am not gay.
Because I am not new anymore.
Because I don’t talk too much.
Because I don’t have any friends.
Because I am me.
Because I still think I am a nobody.
And because of that, I will leave. To make myself somewhere anew. And keep looking to somewhere that belongs to me instead of trying to belong somewhere I clearly don’t.
I can’t change who or how I am but I can change my surroundings to make me feel different.
In the end it’s my fault for being weak to affection. None of this is your fault or anyone else’s, it’s my fault alone. Do not blame your own self for my misgivings. You were as much a victim as I was of my own actions. And for that, I apologize.
Thank you for humoring little old me for a while. I was happy, even though I was never good at expressing it. It was nice pretending you were the one and only in my life for a year or two. It’s not a lot, but it’s an experience to learn from. You saying that you’re done with crying about people leaving gave me a push. As if you were giving me the okay to leave. Which made me happy that you’ve grown a lot. And now it’s my time to do the same.
Maybe I will see you some time again, maybe not
But in the meantime, I wish you and your company good luck.
See ya Shiina.
And for those who aren't Shiina are reading this :
Please let this be a lesson to you and don't get too addicted to a relationship that you won't ever have.
Keep looking for that someone. Even if Shiina seems perfect, she can never ever replicate the feelings you have for her. Shiina isn't available 24/7. She won't reply to you personally at 3AM when you message her about something that went wrong on your day. Friends and family do. And these are the closest people you will ever meet unlike Shiina.
ihopeuwillforgetme
the moon begins to shine before i get a chanceto say any words that i left you behindthe cold breeze that was warm once beforewill fade before it reaches your face
i wish that you couldve seen a tiny bit of my lineseverytime i came around i was never worth any sparkafraid to ask if i should have stayedmy colors already started to change
now the day never shone as muchyears passed by while some things stayed the sameyoull never know which kind of way i wentwhile we may never meet again
i hope u will forget mewhen darker nights arriveyour light will keep on shiningand without me they shine more brightmy feelings never reachedfor eyes that never looked at meim no longer here
i hope u forget to think about my last goodbyedoesnt matter where i am youll never look through the nightanother shape that leads where stars go diemade it easier to lose my path
here ill stay always out of sightno line to find dissolving the rest of my signsyoull never catch my light even from afareven if its a supernova
no matter if its too blurredi will carry on aloneno bond that ever occuredmakes it easy to be on my owngetting further everydayyou feel so ever far awaybut i wont stay
i know u will forget mewhen darker nights arriveyour light will keep on shiningand without me they shine more brightmy feelings they never reachedmy part was never meant to beim no longer here
please forget about me, Shiina.
Man I wish I was this based and Psycho pilled
So uhh... Eimi just blew up the school.
She took the bait
Fucking hell now we're going to have to see even more unhinged assholes try this shit aren't weShe took the bait
I ain't reading all of that shit so I made grok read it
Guy is a fucking retard that kinda deserves it for simping so hard. With that being said I still stand by what I said that the way shiina groomed her audience is far more evil than your average gfe bitch. I hope she trained herself like a pro to never fuck up again and reveal a boyfriend/husband because someone is gonna pull a gavin free on her and succed.
Shiina is low on my list of watching vtubers to watch so I don't know all of what she does but can you or someone else explain how she grooms her audience
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