A proper explanation for my recent tweets, as well as my final words on it all. A letter -
- to @ everyone: Not everyone has someone there to tell them what they need to hear, when they most need it. The reason I became an entertainer (Vtuber) and why I work so hard at it despite it not being in my comfort zone? Because I want to be able to be there for the people who don't have anyone else. Whether it be the depressed, diligent souls I serve alongside in the military, or civilians whose cries for help have gone unheard for years. I've witnessed both sides closely. How frustrating it's been to always be so powerless to save any of them.
As I'm sure most of you are aware, the "Vtuber Community" that supposedly exists on Twitter is filled with a great deal of venomous words uttered carelessly and without second thought. Bitter resentment, aggressive harassment, dragging people through the mud till it suffocates them, and so much more transpires there that would make any decent human being sick while scrolling through. But our job as entertainers is to make other people's days just a little brighter, isn't it? Is that really the sort of energy we should be spreading?— the sort of messages that we should be conveying to the people who believe in us, love us, and support us? It feels as if we'll only become colder for it and that we'll forget how to be truly compassionate from the bottom of our hearts. But it's not my intent now to focus on admonishing these people as if I've never been consumed by terrifyingly negative feelings towards others myself. Hasn't everyone, at least once? I’m certainly far from perfect myself.
Not to mention most of these cruel words are born from a desire to protect others or due to an perceived unforgivable injustice, so they're not innately impure. I won't say that all of them are entirely selfless either, though. In my personal observations, incidents can also occur due to things such as irrational jealousy or grudges. These issues run rampant in the community just as naturally as they’d flourish anywhere else that people compete for a sense of acceptance and validation. At the end of the day, we’re only human. Nobody wants to feel as if they’re not good enough and it’s hard in our moments of weakness not to hold ill will towards those who seem to effortlessly attain that which we strive to claim for ourselves. But without knowing every detail of their own journey as well as all the struggles they’ve faced individually, how can we truly say whether or not they’ve earned their success? It seems ignorant and presumptuous.
I know many of these people do genuinely mean well. After all, it takes a great deal of courage to put yourselves out there to be judged by the world in the first place. While I always thought myself to be fairly strong, even I struggle at times with people fixating both negative and positive attention on me. I’m not used to it. It’s a little scary, at times. It can be very overwhelming. It’s wonderfully good, it’s frightfully bad, it’s absurd and ugly, and yet it’s somehow all still so hopelessly beautiful.
The more you open your heart up to others and lay it bare, the greater the chance of it being torn apart in your moments of weakness. Yet I personally believe making yourself vulnerable and being humble are the best ways of being able to reach others. I will never hold myself higher than any of you, because I want you all to feel comfortable talking to me when you need to. It’s mainly for this reason that I make a sincere effort to remember the details about your lives that you share with me despite suffering from severe memory loss that inhibits my own daily life. It feels like the least I can do is try when you’ve all shown me such care and support over the entirety of my brief career. That and I do really enjoy the stories you all have to share. Your lives are pretty interesting, you know. Thinking about it makes me smile. I wish I could remember them all forever.
So, to my fellow content creators: Uplift the people around you and celebrate their achievements as if they were your own. Aspire to become not just someone who shines brightly, but someone who bears warmth befitting of that light. Because then you'll be much more like the sun than simply a small star, even if it's only to one person. It's why I haven't given up on regularly participating in my Discord server, despite how mentally taxing it is some days. I want to directly help facilitate an environment where everyone can have fun together and unite under common interests. My ideal is a community where the love we bear for one another is genuine. The very concept of my community, "the Umarmy", as a branch suggests that we're in a place where we're all fighting similar battles. I want everyone to feel as if they have a place they can belong with people who might be able to understand them even on those days when it feels like nobody else really can.
I apologize dearly if I seem a bit sensitive, irritable, or distant some days myself. Within the scope of my normal schedule, I work full time as active duty military, weightlift, do college coursework, manage myself as a Vtuber, and stream 4-5 days a week. Atop that, I have a couple friendships to manage as well. I'm not invincible, yet every time I feel myself breaking apart, I feel the cracks open up more space for me to become stronger. It reminds me of the ceramic pieces whose imperfections were resolved with gold.
In that same vein, I believe it's fine to allow yourself to be weak, so long you learn and grow from it. Someone who's never suffered could never hope to understand the suffering of others. Such empathy can only stagnate on the surface of the water while we watch helplessly as someone dear to us drowns beneath. We cannot hope to become a pillar that people can escape from any pit with if we don't fall to the bottom of that pit and build ourselves up from there. I'll get hurt as many times as it takes to be able to protect you all. Because I’d rather endure that pain myself if it means being able to then mitigate your own future wounds.
Even so, I'll admit shamelessly that it's all a bit exhausting. Some days, I regret having ever started. Some days, I wish I could give up and quit. I push myself simply because I want to be an individual who can inspire and motivate others through my efforts. Even though I'm weak in my own eyes, I want to find the strength to be there for you all. I'll continue stepping out of my comfort zone and push myself to find a voice capable of reaching everyone equally. I'm an awkward woman who often fails to express myself correctly, but I hope that my words are able to resonate with you now. Only a little bit would be fine here too. We all have to start somewhere, right?
Unlike most other Vtubers, I honestly don't think I have any particularly special talents. But what I do know I can do in spite of that is try my damn hardest to show you all that you don't need to be “special” in order to succeed. I'm still young and inexperienced, yet I'm willing to become more stubborn than anyone else for the sake of reaching my goals. I can only ask that you'll all be patient with me a while longer yet.
I'll admit as well that there may be amazing qualities to myself that I don't see. But that's a part of why we have others, isn't it? Because otherwise we may just miss the important things that were in front of us the whole time. Nothing is more blinding than a lack of self-faith, so if nothing else we should try to harbor faith in those around us who offer their support. No doubt that you're more amazing than you can see yourself, while fixated on your flaws and shortcomings. Don’t even feel bad about it. We’ve all been there.
Perhaps there are many Vtubers out there too who share my sentiments, but struggle to express themselves properly. I've learned with time that being able to put our emotions into words, no matter how irritatingly tangled up, is one of the strongest skills that a human can hone. Words have always been humanity's ultimate weapon though also is consequently the hardest to grasp. But I believe in their ability to heal, if you apply twice the effort as it takes to deliberately hurt. That's why I'll continue to try and figure it out as time goes on. I want to rewrite as many of your negative emotions as possible with happiness and comfort. I want to make it just a little easier to smile every day and to find the energy to get out of bed and courageously face the new day.
To everyone reading this now: Seek out something you love and pursue it with all your heart, no matter how long it takes. Don't be disheartened. Understand that you don't need to compromise your happiness and well being to nurture it in others. I believe even that desire alone is the beginning of the makings of a traditionally good person.
Everything will be okay, at the end of the day. I love you all and hope you can find the strength to love yourselves too. Please be good to each other.
I exist here now to help you. Even if the whole world abandons you, I'll still be by your side and won't give up on you until the very end. That’s my promise to you all, as a clumsy leader who does her best to be fearless. Thank you all for giving me something more to fight for. I’ll try not to let you down.
- Tomoe Umari, an Independent Vtuber