"How to Make Friends in the Asylum — Ch.1 Starting Conversation"
An officially sanctioned PSA based on the teachings of PhD. Pipkun
Life can be hard when you get shipped to the loony bin, it will be a new environment for most of you, with plenty of unfamiliar faces and few manners. Even then, as with everything in life, you will have to make some acquaintances.
Just like politicians and governmental officials benefit greatly from their interpersonal connections to engage in thrilling activities such as corruption and fraud, so does the average deranged psychopath housed in this institution benefit from making those important contacts that will make your stay in the asylum so much more enjoyable. Having a friend among the asylum janitorial staff may reap even more great benefits, but due to complicated circumstances that is the extent of what we will mention in this guide.
Just some of the benefits from having friends behind padded walls are:
Less (or more) laughter when you fuck up publicly
Better reactions on your posts due to bias
Friends that will vouch for you when it doesn't actually matter
One less person to watch out for in the communal showers
As the celebrated psychologist and scholar Pipkun J. Freeman said in his paper "20 ways to get drunk without being raped", you must always be aware of those around you, and introduce yourself with equal measures vigor and humility. Inmates are illogical creatures, often quick to ire and always bursting with autistic flair, so like they say: when in Rome, do as the romans.
PhD. Pipkun explained it so at various talks at mental health summits: It is not what you say, but how racist you are when you say it, when speaking about his experiences living among the seriously mentally ill. He gives us 10 pointers for ideal cohabitation with such beasts.
- Always be racist before the other person is; this instills a sense of dominance.
- When casual racism incites a passive response, double down.
- When casual racism incites an aggressive response, double down even more.
- When racism has no effect, smoke a blunt and down a bottle of vodka, in his words: "It will help"
- When the recipient reciprocates with a racist remark of their own, combine steps 3 and 4.
- If the race of the inmate is unknown, make shit up.
- If the race of the inmate is white, inquire further as to find some non-white heritage.
- If you become too inebriated to come up with original insults, just continue to respond with whatever nonsense pops into your mind.
- If the recipient is a member of janitorial staff, be more racist than usual.
- Once dominance is asserted, pass out drunk and repeat the next day.
Following this guide will achieve great results, claims Pipkun, though it will not work on the south-east asians, due to their self hatred and general lack of human-like intelligence to comprehend complex social structures. It will work best on the latin americans, the slavs, the half-breeds and other asians outside of SEA.